We're told from the moment we walk into orientation to learn self-care and take care of ourselves. We're told that seminary is going to be hard and difficult and take lots of time. We're told it will be a spiritually life-changing event. What I have found in my 6 weeks of theological school is that taking care of myself means sacrificing time with school work which means lower grades. That seminary "being hard" means they're making tests super hard in some misguided attempt to make me try harder. And spiritually life changing really translates into spiritually deadening. The mixed messages and expectations are a joke. I wouldn't call it spiritual formation as much as spiritual destruction mixed in with a healthy dose of emotional disparity with a weekly option for communion.
My senior year in my undergraduate career I did a research paper and project about creating emotional safety within the collegiate sphere. Thus far, I've found that my school doesn't do a single thing that the research specifies as emotionally satiating. Perhaps there is a person here or there that gives it a go or tries to provide a safe space... but it's a rarity. I find this problematic. I'm going to school not only to learn the facts and theological implications of faith but also to understand how to build people up, create an enviroment of safty and be present for people in my life. Thus far, school is teaching me how to have an incredibly hectic life, take tests well and build resentments toward "the establishment".
Let's be honest. I don't do authority well. Never have. And I'm feeling a rush of rebellion coming on. I have two appointments with two professors next week and I fully plan on letting them know that I'm disappointed with them for falling in line with some University model that creates snobby academics instead of conscientious students. In the end, I don't particularly care if my professors like me... I'd much rather they respect me.
I'm sure some of my fellow students will read this and think I've taken things a little to far. That's ok for you to think that. I've come to these decisions, not solely based in opinion, but in research. So I feel ok about it. To be certain, some of my disappointment comes from the HUGE amount of effort it took for me to get back into school and the realization that it is nothing like I hoped. I hoped that school would be challenging, that it would take effort and that it would be hard. I hoped that it would allow me to grow in a myriad of ways. I guess, in some respects, it IS those things- but the way in which it has presented itself comes off as gross and icky.
I want to be challenged not disheartened. I want it to take effort not make me a work-aholic with no time for spiritual development. I want it to be hard- not impossible. The ways in which it is teaching me to grow is also much different than expected. So my growth goals for this week: to speak my truth in a way that my research suggests builds emotional safety-- even if it's uncomfortable for those around me or the people in authority over me. My goal is to have the self-confidence to stay in my truth with or without the support of my peers and my goal is to remember that I have come to Emory with a purpose and goal. That I was called, that I did answer and that I am here. I will not fade into the background of a system that I do not believe is working; instead I will challenge the system to grow and change to the needs of its students. Even if that student is only me.
Last week we had "Reformation Day" on campus because of this dude named Martin Luther. If that guy had the balls to say what he believed based on his research then I guess I can grow a pair and do something about it too. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself now and make dinner.
So I'm a liberal. If you hadn't figured that out about me already then now you do. I am liberal both socially and theologically and it plays a role in how I serve my neighbor, my friends and my recovery community. So anyway, it came up in class earlier this week that perhaps evangelism and social justice were one in the same (or in the least, COULD be one and the same). I like to think that one cannot exist without the other but this standpoint has a lot to do with how you perceive evangelism.
As opposed to many other christians I don't see evangelism as my main purpose or goal. Nor do I want it to be my focus or my goal- at least, in the typical sense. See, I'm a believer that attraction rather than promotion is a good thing. I want to act in such a way that you are attracted to what I have so that sharing what I have is easy.. the foundation is already set. But if you don't know me, don't know what I have to offer or aren't aware of what I'm about then telling you all my beliefs or understandings doesn't go anywhere.. at least most of the time. Attraction rather than promotion is basic sales technique- it is why it's easier to sell a house to someone who is referred to me than someone who just shows up at the Keller Williams office.
So what does that mean? First off, it means I don't go around telling people what I think is right or wrong about faith or God. If you want to pray 20 times a day and your God is a doorknob and it works for you and brings peace in your life.. well then... pray to some DoorKnob! Social issues are off limits too (well, most of the time)... wanna have 8 husbands? GO for it. Instead, I take the "Great Commission" and "Loving the Neighbor" and "Attraction rather than Promotion" as a greater philosophy as a whole instead of commandments or ideals to be addressed separately.
On a deeper level, Social Justice and Evangelism end up being one in the same for me. I cannot evangelize or spread the word of my belief system if I am not acting in that belief system. If I am not supporting equality, equal marriage, feeding the hungry or clothing the poor or protecting a woman's right to choose then I am not able to spread the word of God. I believe this because I understand social justice to be an active and consistent way to love my neighbor. I can evangelize all day but if I'm not loving my neighbor and if what I or believe doesn't attract my neighbor then the evangelizing is worth nothing.
There are a lot of people who will disagree with me. That's okay! Disagree! I am not asking you to believe the way I do. Nor do I invite you to try and change my mind. I love my perspective. I love knowing that when I hang out with homeless guys or support gay rights then I am participating in some of the most important commands in all known history without making people cringe with sappy modern day christian rhetoric that I find judgy and unloving and hurtful. It means that my evangelism relies on my actions and not my words. It means that my faith is only as good as my commitment to the commandments.
