Should equals guilt. A truth spoken by my current therapist
(therapy is my homedog). I SHOULD go to a meeting. I SHOULD get to work on
time. I SHOULD spend time with my family. I SHOULD make dinner. I SHOULD’VE
handled that better. Why? Why should I? Because someone else wants me to do
things? Because I don’t want to do those things and I do them anyway? So I rephrase myself:
I NEED to go to a meeting.
I DO get to work on time because I appreciate my employment.
I DON’T HAVE to spend time with anyone, including family.
I CAN make dinner but I don’t have to.
I DID handle that situation with the best of my ability,
though that ability probably needs some work.
But so often I should on myself. Allowing the guilt of what
I think people expect of me to permeate my existence. If I am true to myself
and act on what I know is healthy for me I usually end the day in a state that
isn’t nearly as gross. This doesn’t mean I don’t get in service and I don’t do
things I don’t always want to do. It just means I do the things I don’t want to
do not because I SHOULD but because doing it helps me grow.
I allow culture and common expectations of society to get to
me sometimes. This is why I rebel against it. This is why I despise Christmas.
Obligatory gift giving makes me anxious and familial expectations make me want
to hide in the fetal position. This is also why birthdays, gift giving
occasions and writing thank you cards are almost completely absent from my day
to day life. Its not because I don’t care about the people around me—its
because I care about my own belief system more. This can be taken to an
extreme.. I’m working on it. But for now I’m content with their absence.
For the moment I’m attempting to take the word “should” out
of my vocabulary. And if I do use it I double check why. Why is that necessary?
Why SHOULD I do that? How can I rephrase it to take the guilt factor out? How
can I rise above it?
Enough about me though… the problem with should is that I often
place it on other people. “Well, he should take me out on a date cause I’m
super cool” or “they should totally get over themselves” or my favorite “that
person should stop acting like that—they look like an idiot”. The guilt factor goes both ways. Why do
I think I’m important enough to take the should out of the equation but the
people around me are still subject to it?
So I’ve taken steps to take should out of my belief system,
not just for myself, but for the people around me. I'm still pretty sucky at it though, besides who am I to judge? Who am I
to think that just because their actions affect me THEY SHOULD change it?
Bullshit. Sometimes to take should out of the equation though, drastic steps
have to be taken. Sometimes I have to separate myself from people, sometimes I
have to limit interactions and other times I have to invest myself further in
their life and be uncomfortable for a while. Sometimes taking should out of a
relationship with other people is harder than keeping the should out of the
relationship with myself.
Regardless of how hard it is though it needs to be done. Should leads to resentments and broken relationships. It causes me to go deeper into myself instead of deeper into a spiritual understanding. It leads to judgements and isolation. So I'm going to persist in it. Run with it.
I’m a work in progress I suppose. Broken, imperfect and
beautiful and lovely.
