Moving Along.

In my adult life I haven't been the type of girl who prays for miracles.  Its just not and hasn't ever been my thing.  I suppose in many ways I'm not a huge fan of miracles.  This is because they lead people on to thinking that miracles are possible for everyone who prays hard enough for them.  Its like watching a Disney movie and thinking that love will find everyone so splendidly, so young and so happily ever after. Does it happen for a few? Most certainly.  Does it happen for everyone? Most certainly not.

I suppose this is why, while many pray for miracles, I simply pray for acceptance. This allows me to be thankful for a miracle if it happens and calm and peaceful when it doesn't.  It takes away the expectation that God will do what I hope for and instead reminds me that God will do what is needed.  There is some peace in this.  

Regardless of prayers things are moving along. After another stint in the hospital because of brain swelling they're hoping to release David sometime today.  We're hoping we can release him to an impatient rehab facility.  This is mostly because of his increased weakness and mobility issues.  Were someone not around him all the time risks of falling or injury are huge.  We're hoping that a few days in the impatient rehab will give him the kickstart he needs to regain some strength and practice on fine motor skills so that he can be on his own a bit more.

Thursday we go to see a specialist at Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta. There the specialist in Dave's particular type of cancer will be able to tell us what treatment options are available. The doctors at the hospital we're currently in want to do intense chemo and radiation. This is something that David doesn't want to do-- it would be difficult if not completely horrible. The docs down at Piedmont have different options and we're hoping to explore those. 

As many say... more will be revealed.

A Letter to Humanity

I wrote this back in August. I suppose its more relevant now than it has even been before.  There's a lot going on and updating people consistently about my brother's condition hasn't been easy but reading over my little manifesto on fear I realize how many times in the last few days I have let fear take over.  Just for today I let it go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Manifesto on Fear- A letter to humanity

Dear Humanity,

I want you to know that when we act in fear we are hardly ever acting in God’s will for our lives.  Our fear will hold us hostage and it will keep us from loving as well and as much as we possibly could.  Our fear will put up walls that our faith so easily tears down.  Oh, my precious humanity, fear is the putrid vile substance that plagues us so often—it is not healthy and accomplishes nothing.  Let it go for greater things.  Or hold on to it for all I care, you are allowed to be afraid, but you must walk through the fear you hold or risk never changing. If we stay in fear many of us will die.

Fear has told me that the impossible is impossible.  Fear tells me that when the world says “no” and that I should listen.  Fear tells me that being practical is the right thing to do.  Fear tells me that I should know my place.  Fear tells me that I should run and hide when things get hard.  Fear tells me that loving easy and loving hard will just get me hurt.  Fear tells me to bolt, to run and to hold onto the anger of my past and carry it as a shield to protect my heart.  Fear, quite frankly, can go fuck itself.

Fear may tell me that the impossible is impossible but faith tells me that ALL things are possible.  I can move a whole damn mountain if I need to and lift it up and throw it into the sky and watch it rise as if it were a balloon. The world has told me “no” a thousand times: no- you can’t afford college, no- Thailand is unachievable, no- loving him will get you hurt, no- you cannot open yourself to new loves… you’re still hurt, no no no NO NO NO. The world is wrong.  I did afford college, I did achieve Thailand… not once but three times, I have loved and I have loved well and I will love again and I will do so with all that I am and all that I know.  I am capable because I have a God who is and always has been the love I have always wanted and needed.  I know that with just an ounce of that love I can change the world.  I will change the world mostly because I have discovered that my God is rarely practical.

My humanity, my people, my friends—when there is nothing left and it seems that only our fear is left to keep us company, we must remember that we are not alone.  Fear is the old pattern of our minds looking for the infinite in our finite minds.  We are incapable of defeating such fear.  But a power greater than ourselves can and does often restore us to sanity.  And that sanity tells me that when there is nothing left there is always something left.  When the fear keeps me hostage, when it keeps me doing the same thing over and over without new results, when it tells me that familiar pain is better than unfamiliar joy… I will refuse. REFUSE.  I will refuse to believe the lie.  My God is stronger than a lie.

So my friends, I challenge you to look fear in the face and walk right through it.  Will it be hard? Yes. Will it hurt and be uncomfortable? Yes.  Will it be scary and will you often fail? Yes.  But will you grow in your faith and love of yourself? Most definitely.  It will be the best decision you’ve ever made for yourself.  Walk through the fear—and love better, deeper and stronger than ever before.  Tell the age old lie that it doesn’t deserve your attention.  My dear humanity, you are worth it.

Drain is out. Pathology is an Asshole.

The drain that was in David's head has been removed. He will be able to leave the ICU today and be moved to the nuerology floor. This is good news because the ICU is pretty annoying. Also because the ICU is lame. Not the point. The point is that the drain is out, the stitches look gross and he's doing relatively fine.  They will not release him until he can walk with at least a walker. So he might be released tomorrow or the next day.

We're still waiting to hear back from pathology to tell us if its cancer for sure or not. As of this morning it wasn't done but now I have their number-- so thats good for us and will probably be highly annoying for them. I'm ok with it.  I'll be going back up to the hospital soon to harass the neurosurgeon into calling pathology in front of me. Chances of getting an answer of some sort are high because I'm tired, cranky and don't give a rats ass if the doctors like me or not.  So. There ya go.

Until will have confirmation on the pathology we are treading water in some sort of twisted limbo. Amazingly enough we've been in worse places. Hello silver lining.

Fancy Names and White Coats Don't Scare Me

I'm sitting in Dave's hospital room at 6:45 in the morning in order to tackle his neurosurgeon.  They don't do rounds at normal times of the day.  I assume this is because most people didn't become brain surgeons to talk to people.  I have compassion and understanding for this-- to a very limited degree.  When it comes to my family I don't do avoidance and non-communication very well.

So here I sit. Chatting with my brother about his annoyances with the night time ICU staff and how benedryll makes him do funny things in the night whilst waiting on a team of alpha male insanity to walk into the room in white coats.  I lay in wait. Armed with my lap top and questions from my soon-to-be doctor friend who's in Ireland or is it Scotland? I don't know. I am prepared.

I don't know if you know me. But I don't do mornings. So here I am with my list of questions, cup of coffee and attempting to suppress my already bubbling attitude. I have dealt with surgeons before and our alpha personalities never quite mesh-- I suppose I'm one of those people that isn't scared by big letters after your name and teams of doctors in fancy white coats.  I realize that behind that facade they are people who are inherently broken just like me. With this reality I know that we are quite the same. I am not one to back down.

I suppose what I'm looking for is a prognosis-- worst case/best case scenario. I want to know how invasive the tumor really was and when the pathology will come back. I want to know when and if they're going to let him out of the ICU or a good estimation of when that will happen. Then, if they're good little doctors and answer all my questions, I might... MIGHT bring them cookies tomorrow. If they're lucky. 

Tumors Suck

I'm awake and three in the morning because jetlag blows.  I'm jetlagged because I am now home.  Its weird sleeping in a soft bed and there being a chill in the air.  It doesn't feel real. To be honest I'm still not feeling much of anything. Reality will set in about the time jetlag wears off and I'll fully comprehend what is happening.  To be honest, it feels like 8 years ago all over again in many many ways.

David is still in the ICU though they may move him out in the next day or two.  The surgery went well, all things considering, and he's resting and healing.  The doctors weren't able to get the tentacles of the brain tumor out though the larger mass was removed so that the most life threatening issue is taken care of for the moment.  The doctor said it looks cancerous even though a test has not yet been run on the tumor.  Doctor's don't say things like that unless they are sure.  We do not know yet what type of tumor or cancer it may be but we should know relatively soon.  While David is awake and coherent for the most part I'm not sure that he understands that they weren't able to get it all. He will know soon.

As for me, I have not yet fallen apart though I'm sure it will happen eventually.  As for now I'm just going forward doing the next right thing.  I'll be getting a cellphone sometime today and will text people once I have my new number.  I'll be at the hospital for the bulk of the day and will be at a meeting tonight.  The last time Dave was going through this my addiction was really just beginning.  This time around I have the opportunity to be present and aware.  No one said it would be easy, just that i wouldn't have to do it alone. 

I'm grateful for the hundreds of people praying, the support from family and friends and the love I feel from around the world as my family goes through this time.  We are abundantly loved and cared for.  For now I'm going to attempt a few more hours of sleep and then a short jog in the morning. Love you guys so much.

Family Update

Funny how quickly things change.  I'm breathing because doing anything else in the moment is a bit too much for me. Thats ok. Breathing is good and the packing is almost done. I leave for the states today-- 9 months ahead of schedule. My brother is in the hospital back home and though we don't know exactly whats going on I've decided that life is too short to lay back and see what happens.  So though we're not sure exactly whats going on we know a few things.

One thing we know is that there is a tumor. We don't know if its cancerous or if its benign. We do not know about operations or anything to that extent. We know that it was causing problems with fine motor skills especially on the right side of his body. We know that there was swelling in his brain and because of that they put him in the ICU to be monitored.  Dave did have brain cancer a decade ago- much of whats going on is similar but we aren't jumping to conclusions.

I decided that I'd be of no help here while I'm worried and desperate for news back home.  I'm flying out early from Bangkok tomorrow morning.  I may not be able to help at home but having the opportunity to annoy the shit out of my brother seems like a fairly good/fun idea.  It will be good for my spirit to spend this time with my family and go through the process with them. 

There's a chance I may return to Thailand and there is a big chance I will not.  Either way I will keep you updated. I thank you for prayers, support, love and your presence in my life.  

When The Floods Recede

The people of Thailand are a resilient people.  As the flood waters of the Ping crested the banks and began to flood the shops of the night bazaar people were ready for it. Shop owners had moved their stuff to top shelves and put out fishing poles-- if there was gonna be a flood there was gonna be fish in it. They looked the devestation in the face and had a fish fry. I shit you not.

I have something to learn from the Thai people. Their shops, their homes and their way of life was altered by a force they could not control and they fried fish. In retrospect it seems like a natural transition-- move your stuff upward and put out the fishing pole and sit back and watch it happen. You cannot alter a flood so you might as well take from the flood what it has to offer.

So what flood do I have in my life and what can I take from it? I have a flood of emotions (what else is new) and dealing with them is neither simple nor easy. Complications with my visa at the Thai boarder and a mixture of loneliness and fear had me throwing temper tantrums in my apartment in Chiang Mai the other night. Growth is painful. The banks of my river crested and the flood overcame me... but now i'm in the midst of what could either be devastation or good fishing trip.  Apparently devastation can be a choice and its all about perspective.  Today I choose to go fishing-- my visa problems can be fixed and my loneliness and fear can be transformed into mature growth.  Besides, skittles are in the mail on their way to yours truly. Life could be much worse.

So the floods receded, people at fish and when the water was gone they swept out the mud, brought their goods down to floor level and opened up shop within a few short hours.  Not only did they refuse to be devastated they got back to life as soon as possible. They didn't look at the effort it would take or complain about how it made life complicated-- they just did the next right thing and got back to life as normal.

So now that my own flood has receded somewhat the plan for tomorrow is simple-- get back into the swing of things.  I'm talking to a monk at local temple to search out locations for the youth program, measuring the kids at the children's home for another group thats coming in and bringing them clothes and attempting to finish an essay for Vanderbilt Divinity school. I will pray and do the thing that make me whole and are full of self care. I will get back to my life, eat my fish and move past the flood.  I will learn how to deal with the next flood all the better... next time the fishing pole will be out a lot sooner.