A Moment set to Music

Looking at the world with music blasting in headphones is completely different that being in reality. You see a worker laugh and smile at the café you sit in and an older woman across the room looks worried and talks with earnest to her friends. Managers seem cocky and slightly rude, customers are either hurried or linger with no seeming in between. I wonder if they are happy or even mildly content with what the world has given them.

A little girl stares at my tattoos. I stick out my tongue at her while her mother isn’t looking and she ducks behind mom’s arms. I look away when her mom looks back at me. Every now and then at 28 I must act like I’m four. It is necessary for life. As I look back to my computer screen to avoid a mother’s stare I wonder if that little girl has a fighting chance. Does her mother protect her from evil looking tattooed women who stick their tongues out at their children? Does she protect more than that? Does she have the emotional bandwidth to give that little girl what she needs? I hope so.  They get up to go.. the girl turns around and sticks her tongue out at me. I smile. Well played little one. Well played.

The notes hit my ears as I see the world around me float by as if on beat. It’s Friday and there’s an air of ease. Labor day weekend is upon us and the light hearted feel of the majority of patrons is evident. The workers seem slightly bored if not in good spirits and the rooms I sit in slowly empties. I am quite alone with my music and my oatmeal cookies and tea.  It is a pleasant place to be. I sit in it. Slightly chilled by the air conditioning. I curse myself for leaving my jacket in the car as I get distracted by another bite of oatmeal cookie. 

Should = Guilt: Therapy Truth

Should equals guilt. A truth spoken by my current therapist (therapy is my homedog). I SHOULD go to a meeting. I SHOULD get to work on time. I SHOULD spend time with my family. I SHOULD make dinner. I SHOULD’VE handled that better. Why? Why should I? Because someone else wants me to do things? Because I don’t want to do those things and I do them anyway?  So I rephrase myself:

I NEED to go to a meeting.

I DO get to work on time because I appreciate my employment.

I DON’T HAVE to spend time with anyone, including family.

I CAN make dinner but I don’t have to.

I DID handle that situation with the best of my ability, though that ability probably needs some work.

But so often I should on myself. Allowing the guilt of what I think people expect of me to permeate my existence. If I am true to myself and act on what I know is healthy for me I usually end the day in a state that isn’t nearly as gross. This doesn’t mean I don’t get in service and I don’t do things I don’t always want to do. It just means I do the things I don’t want to do not because I SHOULD but because doing it helps me grow.

I allow culture and common expectations of society to get to me sometimes. This is why I rebel against it. This is why I despise Christmas. Obligatory gift giving makes me anxious and familial expectations make me want to hide in the fetal position. This is also why birthdays, gift giving occasions and writing thank you cards are almost completely absent from my day to day life. Its not because I don’t care about the people around me—its because I care about my own belief system more. This can be taken to an extreme.. I’m working on it. But for now I’m content with their absence.

For the moment I’m attempting to take the word “should” out of my vocabulary. And if I do use it I double check why. Why is that necessary? Why SHOULD I do that? How can I rephrase it to take the guilt factor out? How can I rise above it?

Enough about me though… the problem with should is that I often place it on other people. “Well, he should take me out on a date cause I’m super cool” or “they should totally get over themselves” or my favorite “that person should stop acting like that—they look like an idiot”.  The guilt factor goes both ways. Why do I think I’m important enough to take the should out of the equation but the people around me are still subject to it?

So I’ve taken steps to take should out of my belief system, not just for myself, but for the people around me. I'm still pretty sucky at it though, besides who am I to judge? Who am I to think that just because their actions affect me THEY SHOULD change it? Bullshit. Sometimes to take should out of the equation though, drastic steps have to be taken. Sometimes I have to separate myself from people, sometimes I have to limit interactions and other times I have to invest myself further in their life and be uncomfortable for a while. Sometimes taking should out of a relationship with other people is harder than keeping the should out of the relationship with myself. 

Regardless of how hard it is though it needs to be done. Should leads to resentments and broken relationships. It causes me to go deeper into myself instead of deeper into a spiritual understanding. It leads to judgements and isolation. So I'm going to persist in it. Run with it.

I’m a work in progress I suppose. Broken, imperfect and beautiful and lovely.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I was boarded and several hours into a 12 hour flight that would take me to Thailand. God.. was it a year ago already? I was in the midst of upheaval and fear and hope and thought I knew what the next year of my life was going to look like. I was in the midst of change and self discovery. I was in the beginning of finding out exactly what i was capable of... and I was capable of great things.

Thailand wasn't easy for me. I was sick a lot and the stress of a new environment, a failed relationship and a new way of living recovery were all playing heavily on me. But they were good and I was getting through them. I cried a lot and meditated at pagodas more. I stood on top of mountains over looking vast rice paddies and prayed with monks. I voiced frustrations and anger at the local thai officials while battling bathroom disasters at my home in the countryside of North Thailand. I played with kids at the children's home and learned how to communicate my needs at the organization I worked for. Warm Heart provided much more than a volunteer opportunity-- they provided me a life opportunity.

Funny how I look back now and realize that my short time there ended up being an experience that probably helped me more than I helped anyone there. Life can be funny that way. On October 3... in a flurry of emotions and fear I flew home to be with my family. My brother was sick. That day was pivotal-- with the help of the girls volunteering with me my stuff was packed, my ticket purchased and I was on my way. Those two girls will forever be imbedded in my mind-- they made one of the worst days of my life easier. I was not alone. I tearfully told my friend Divya goodbye--  she was on holiday in South Thailand. And in a few short hours I boarded my flight to Georgia to circle the wagons and show up where I was needed most: home.

But back to a year ago today. A year ago today I was a recent college graduate with dreams of changing the world. I pined for a decent relationship just as another failed attempt crumbled in front of me. I had a sponsor 13000 miles away and I had no sponcees. My credit was shot, all I had were funds I raised to go over seas and all I owned in the world fit into two suitcases and three plastic tubs which were in my best friend's attic in Pennsylvania. I'd sold my car to raise money, given away 60% of my stuff and was invested in doing something different.

A year later. I now work in a field completely opposite of my degree and have no real desire to pursue my masters (this after getting into Princeton and Emory for grad school). I only desire to create great change in myself. I am in the most amazing relationship-- he is the kind of man I'd always hoped I could attract and am forever grateful I have. My sponsor live two miles down the street and I have 8 sponcees.. 6 of which call me on a regular basis. I have money in a savings account, work full time and while I have yet to buy a car-- I will be a homeowner in one week's time. One. Week's. Time. What I own could not fit in those suitcases and my dog, Todd, has warmed my heart. I lost my brother and yet, in the last year I have found my life. The mercy in it all still overwhelms me.

I will not pretend to know where I will be a year from now. What I do know is that if I am even half as happy as I am right this moment it will be a good year. A very good year indeed.

Longing For Home

I can be overwhelmed with the simplicity of my life. Perhaps this is because just a short time ago my life was so complicated. I think back to school—working, class, homework, meetings, chapel, peer listeners, active minds and stepwork plus a social life and trying to date and attempting to remain “balanced”. I laugh at that concept now. Balance had nothing to do with it. But it was mine and it was beautiful for a time.

Going back to philly, Bryn Athyn and Quakertown has me in a reminiscent mood. Seeing some old faces and missing out on others, reconnecting with those I wish I’d had near me during my grieving process and learning where everyone was in their life… it was beautiful and hectic. Taking the boyfriend with me and learning how to travel as a pair (the first time I’ve done that with anyone since 2001) had its own challenges too. Overall though it was exactly what it needed to be. It was pleasant and emotional and it had me longing for home.

Longing for Home. Such a weird statement. The entire time I was in Philadelphia I kept having weird moments where I didn’t know if I was in GA or PA. I’ve never visited the state of PA. I’ve always just lived there. I would turn on the news and they’d be talking about the crime wave or some other nonsense and I’d think to myself Why is Atlanta playing news about Philadelphia. Wrapping my head around the fact that I was visiting a place I’ve known as home was actually difficult. And yet, by the end of the trip I was longing for humid and hot Hall County, GA.

Home has a way of shifting for me I suppose. It always has. But it’s so wonderful to know that I missed this place. I missed the weather and my cute little old trailer by the lake and my fat cat and my nice little office where I work at my nice wonderful job. Going into work today was a relief. Back to my schedule, back to my normal, back to simplicity. My days are no longer packed in thirty minute increments like they were in college. They are planned in long swaths of time full of work, puzzling, reading and writing. There are meetings and time with Tate and sponcees and stepwork but compared to the times past my life today is a vacation.

A wise dude told me that it’s good to rest but to be careful that I not become complacent. He’s right and I know it. Driving home tonight I realize that Georgia may be home but I still miss preaching. I realize that my heart is still in communicating the ancient words in a way that the modern kid can understand the framework of a spiritual path that can seem complicated but is rather easy. It would be nice to fill that niche somewhere. Just for today, I keep my simplicity but look for ways to expand within it. I do not have to save the world-- but if the opportunity rises I won't turn it down.

The Art of Sitting Still

Sitting still has never been my specialty. I have lived in seven states (a few of them at two different times) and a foreign country. I’ve lived in as many houses as I am years in age (if not more) and I embraced my nomadic lifestyle. Whats more I’m not good at NOT doing things. I got really motivated when I got clean to DO things. So I’ve done things… a lot of them. I started a few programs at school, ran chapel wrote a 45 page senior paper and worked a few jobs—all at the same time. Then I raised money to volunteer and went to Thailand—three times. And on and on and on the list goes.

Not only have I never sat still I’ve never been able to just enjoy the life I have. I’ve always needed something more or bigger. The “ok, that was cool… what’s next?!” idea has always been pretty prevalent in my life. I get one thing that I’ve just always wanted (ie a boyfriend, a new car, a new place to live) and then I hang out with my new toy for a few weeks and then I’m ready for something different or just bigger and better. For (hypothetical) example, I get the boyfriend I’ve always wanted and its merely a few months in and I’m thinking when are we gonna get married already?! Like, seriously, lets get a move on people! I’ve got things to do and places to explore and cooler more interesting relationships to establish. Sheesh.

I think I forget that once I get something the art is not in the moving forward. The art is in the sitting still. It is a skill I’ve yet to master and I desperately want too. It can be painful never being able to rest but always feeling the need to keep “moving forward”. Like life has some destination and when I get all the stuff I’m supposed to have then I will have arrived at it.

I want to just enjoy my day without having to worry about what next big goal I need to accomplish or what new obstacle I need to complete. It’s so very very exhausting.

So with that I’ve decided that after buying a car (which will be happening relatively soon) there will be no more big decisions for the next 6 months. Life changing choices, major emotional upheavals and monetary decisions are done. I am giving myself a break. I’m giving myself a hiatus from living such a heavy lifestyle with decisions and major moving parts. Just for today I’m allowing myself a vacation. A rest. I’m learning how to enjoy what I have without making a change to it. Just for today.

Getting a Little Closer

It's really easy to talk a good game and not play one.  How easy is it to talk faith and live a life not based in it? How easy is it to talk recovery and read some steps and vomit that all up and not apply those steps or literature to you life? You get the idea.

So, I'm on an 11th step which states, "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."  The thing about this step is that we don't seek conscious contact. We only seek to improve our conscious contact. Meaning, that regardless of whether I feel it or not I am in contact-- but its my job to improve my consciousness of that contact.  All too often I base this contact on how I feel.

Feelings are rarely based in fact.

If I'm basing what I believe is my conscious contact with God on my emotional stability then I'm off the mark to begin with. I am often angry with God of late. This is allowed. My anger does not mean I cannot improve my conscious contact.  I am often frustrated with life and being an adult but this does not mean I cannot improve my conscious contact. Even when I am happy, joyous and free that doesn't mean I am automatically improved in my conscious contact.  Contact with God is rarely based in emotion. But how does one begin to grasp the abstract concept of improving a contact with a being that many believe doesn't exist to begin with?

Sometimes you just gotta bring physical application to an abstract concept.  So in order to improve my conscious contact with my higher power I figure I have to remove some of the things that I KNOW are out of my higher power's will for my life.  

For example: Smoking.

I do not believe that it's in God's will for me to slowly kill the creation through smoking. So I've got a week off cigarettes.  And in that way I can remove one more action that directly conflicts with my contact with God.

For example: Eating Soy.

I have known for a while now that I have a sensitivity in soy. In that, when I eat soy I have a hormonal reaction that causes me to be irritable and have panic attacks (when I eat enough of it). And yet, I continue to eat it because its in everything and I rarely plan ahead enough to ensure that I don't eat it.  I eat it because I am lazy and don't want to plan ahead.  So instead I eat crap from fast food places and allow myself to be irritable which affects me and the relationships around me, including that of my higher power. This will be something I address soon. Going through nicotine withdrawal AND changing the way I eat at the same time is asking to fail. My current (subject to change) date to start eating soy free is March 12. By then I'll have processed through all physical aspects of nicotine addiction and begin solidifying my emotional aspects of the addiction as well.

For example: Cursing

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe there are times that cursing is perfectly acceptable and IN my higher power's will for my life. Sometimes it's just necessary.  However, there are times when it can be destructive to myself and to those around me.  Its in these times where I see that I don't have much control over my language and my own selfishness keeps me from being aware of those around me (mostly children).  One thing I know is that if I'm causing destruction or being selfish then I am out in God's will for my life and this is something that needs to be addressed.  I begin this tomorrow. 

For example: Tithing

Now for you non-church goers out there giving 10% of your income to church may seem antiquated. But for me, its been a huge part of my life.  Even in college, when I didn't have money to speak of I made sure at least 10% of my time was donated for service.  It became such a part of my life that i didn't even figure out if i was giving enough-- I knew i was.  Now? Since leaving Thailand I have neither tithed money nor time and I certainly haven't paid much attention to it.  Starting the first pay period in March I'll begin my tithing financially again.

The idea isn't "giving my earnings to God." The idea is that God has allowed me the privileged to be of service with my simple income.  It is not a sacrifice-- it is a joy.  And, as opposed to giving to my local church (sorry pastor) I'll be giving to  local charity organizations that are doing the service I would be doing if I wasn't working and being a responsible adult.

The idea is that I will meditate and pray on my own actions.  I will take a look at myself on a consistent basis and see where changes may need to be made.  I take a breath and breathe in the reality that my emotions do not determine my improved conscious contact-- my actions do.  

Intent of My Heart

Its funny how I forget the basics sometimes. No one will ever love me as good as I can love me. No one can validate my worth, hold me close or be as present with my heart as I can. And yet, every time I get into a relationship I subconsciously begin to think that I shouldn't be the one taking care of me. Like some man could ever take care of all the emotions and frustrations I have in my heart.  It's the moment when I realize I'm beginning to rely on a man to take care of me that I take a step back and breathe. My worth is not determined by a man or a job or my money or all the stuff I might own. My worth is determined by the intent of my heart. My worth is determined by the actions that occur because of that intent. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I just had one of the most calm, wonderful and pampered weekends of my life. It was just so sweet. And not sweet in some current cultural standard of the word but sweet like if you had honey on the edge of your teacup and it brushed your lips with warm sweetness... that kind of sweet. It warmed my heart and almost overwhelmed me. The moment that he left to get on the road for a week away for work my heart sunk. I realized, I didn't feel like I deserved it all. Who was I to get all of this? It's so easy for me to lose sight of my worth. It isn’t easy, when engulfed in love and comfort and warm snuggles, to remember that it is my job alone to give myself the attention my heart needs in order to comprehend my worth. He can give me the world and I wouldn't be able to accept it if I weren't able to accept myself first.

There is still a little girl inside of me that wants to be taken care of on every level. Taking care of myself is hard. Its hard being conscious of what my body needs for food. Its hard being aware of how much sleep I need and how much a spiritual community means to me. Its difficult paying attention to my emotional swings and doing what is healthy in order to make sure an emotional swing doesn't turn into an emotional down turn. If its hard for me and I'm the one inside my own head and heart how in the world could I expect ANYONE else to even attempt it? I'm, in fact, often a silly little girl. 

I'm grateful for the awareness.  My heart sinking wasn't the upset of him leaving so much as it was the realization that this is where the real work begins. If I want the relationship to last, and I do, then its time to get to work and take a look at myself. What do I need in order to keep my identity? What do I need in order to ensure my stability? What do I need to be happy and content with myself? If I can't answer and fulfill these questions then my relationships will always fade to the codependent. I've had enough of that for one lifetime.  So for my birthday today I'm simply giving myself the love and attention that I need while ensuring that the intent of my heart and the action behind that intent is safe and secure. 

A Theological Essay

I'm applying for a scholarship at Candler Theological... this is the essay that I came up with. Theological significance the film of Book of Eli. Good stuff. Enjoy.

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The idea of being “called” to a certain field or even a specific action by God pervades Christianity from ancient past to near future. From David and Goliath to the minister down the street it is a common thread in our faith. The discernment of a call and the idea that God wishes to have direct contact and a relationship with us permeates our culture and holds theological significance; in that, our understanding of Christ in this day and age is often based on that call.  Our ability to communicate and relate to God’s will in our lives and have a relationship with God is often held up in the highest regard in modern religious understanding.  The theme of God’s call presents itself in our modern culture through both literary and cinematic sources.  The idea of the call appeared in mainstream media within the film Book of Eli, which presented us with several ways that God might work in our lives. In Book of Eli, the theological significance of God’s call is the underlying theme in his journey, which then evolves into a call for his compatriot Solara, and ends with the passage of that call to Solara as she continues the journey

The Book of Eli begins with a lone traveler who walks his path and his journey alone.  He is hesitant to enter into conflict and yet, when he does, he fights with precision and skill hitting the mark without anger or revenge.  Eli’s unabashed techniques and set direction can be paralleled to those in scripture. For example, David, when killing Goliath, swung one stone and hit his mark falling Goliath.  Or like Joshua at the Battle of Jericho who brought down walls with trumpets just by following God’s plan. Eli’s path is solitary, and his purpose, even before the viewer knows his calling in the film, is set.  Much like Jesus, Mohammed, or Buddha who all led relatively solitary journeys until they found disciples to take up their cause, Eli walks alone and with purpose.  The parallel between him and the leaders of other religions sets the scene for a powerful message that clarifies how God can call his followers who are willing to listen.

                If we are not able to hear God’s call then how could be called? In C.S. Lewis’ work The Silver Chair, Aslan says, “You would not have called to me unless I had been calling to you” (Lewis, 22).  If we would not seek God’s purpose without first being called by God, then Eli’s understanding of that call becomes clarified.  Over a campfire, hiding from their enemies Eli states to Solara that, “One day I heard a voice, its hard to explain but it was like it was coming from inside of me. But I could hear it as clear as I could hear you talking to me now.”  He talks about “hearing” God in simple terms and in a simple way.  He continues, “And the voice told me to carry the book out west. It told me the path would be laid out for me.”  God sought Eli and Eli answered the call and headed west.  Much like Samuel when he hears God’s voice, “The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, ‘Samuel! Samuel!’ Then Samuel said, ‘Speak, for your servant is listening’” (1 Samuel 3:10).  Just as Samuel understood the Lord’s voice and did not doubt so Eli understands his call and simply answered it through action.  This film takes an ancient concept of hearing God’s call and clarifies it for a modern audience. It brings forth the idea that God’s voice is just as perceptible today as it was 3,000 years ago.  Though it is perceptible to some in a moment, this call can also be perceptible within a process of their own. 

                Solara’s role in the film, for example, is about the presence of divine providence or a divine will for our lives.  Her roll is about the development of a call rather than the moment of the call. Emmanuel Swedenborg, a 17^th century philosopher states that, “it is a goal of divine providence that what has been broken apart should become a whole and therefore that the marriage of goodness and truth should be restored” (Swedenborg, 9).  She does not know what calls Eli nor does she understand what that call is about.  But she knows that her world is broken and she knows that it is complicated and convoluted.  Eli, in comparison, is simple and “the truth is that the simpler and purer anything is the greater and fuller it is” (Swedenborg, 7).  Solara follows this simple man regardless of her lack in understanding because he is pure and full and, though she does not understand the importance of the call, she is attracted to it nonetheless.  Solara’s call did not come in a moment like Eli’s; her call was the process of being attracted to something good, true and simple.  It is important to note that the way one is called is not important in the film but it is important that they both followed the call that they received.  Without Eli, Solara would not have been in providence and without Solara; Eli would not have completed his task. 

            Solara’s character may clarify the concept of divine providence and how that develops into a calling but she also demonstrates how that developed calling turns into action.  Her character demonstrates the process of coming to believe but also that faith without action is dead.  If Eli heard the call and did not act on it, his faith would have been pointless.  Solara enables Eli to find his destination and fulfill his call and then she continues forward within her own call.  Instead of staying in the safety that Eli and she had found, she chose to walk back into the world.  What good would her new understanding do had it stayed where the knowledge was safe and unneeded?  Matthew 16:15 states “Go into the world and preach the gospel to all creation.” Solara never states her exact purpose but when asked to stay where she is safe, her reply is: “Thank you, but this is something I have to do.” In a world where apathy and instant gratification often defines the modern audience, Solara displays the message clearly: faith without action is dead.

Eli’s journey, Solara’s decision to follow Eli and her resolution to continue forward are essential premises that clarify the concept of God’s call in our lives for a modern audience.  The film exemplifies the idea that the way the call arrives in our lives is not as important as following the call that we receive. The theological idea of a “call” is ancient but Book of Eli simplifies this idea for a modern audience. Just as our relationship with God and His will in our lives is in the forefront of Christianity so this film brings those concepts into view.  Regardless of how the call comes, when it comes or who is listening the cultural understanding is that there is a call and that if we do not answer it the task will be left unfinished. 

The Evolution of a Dream

I have a vast network of people in my life.  They range from felons to virgins, deeply devout to strong atheist, from LA to Philly to Scotland and Thailand.  I'm the kind of girl that needs a vast network and people who's brains I like to pick and who's understanding I often need to gain some perspective on my life. 

Anger can be quite destructive.  And yet, for this little five foot three inch girl, I happen to hang on to a lot of anger. Its comfortable for me and often extremely difficult to let it go.  The times when I've let it go the most is when I found a purpose to funnel my anger through.

When I was in college, for example, two of my friends passed away. One from an accidental overdose and another from suicide.  After much frustration with a lack of resources I focused my senior project on the problem and developed several programs that sought to bring awareness to mental health. The Peer Listener program was born and a chapter of Active Minds was formed.  It took insane amounts of work and there were many times that I forgot what sleep was but it didn't matter. I loved what I was doing.  When I love what I do my energy knows no bounds.

So within my vast network I skyped my favorite Irish atheist med student who I met in Thailand to vent about my current state of affairs. Frustrated and angry and in emotional pain and stressed from work I was in a state of annoyance.  After talking for a while I finally confided in her that one of the things David had wanted to do was go on a cross-country road trip to visit friend ending in an epic flight to Hawaii. A lack of funds and time prevented the dream from becoming reality.  Even if there had been time the funds weren't there and very few (if any) foundations focus on making the dreams of a 20-something cancer patient a reality.  

With all that frustration off my chest I could finally see a bit more clearly. The realization struck me that if I could start several programs within a few months in the midst of my senior year in college and then raise funds and plan a trip to Thailand and work with a non-profit there and THEN return to the states and scream at doctors then perhaps starting a non-profit isn't such a hard task after all.

So the brainstorming has begun and an email has been sent to some friends who might offer some direction.  But the idea right now is as such: A non-profit who's mission is to grant wishes to people who suffer from cancer or other life threatening diseases.  The wish granting will focus on, not only the patient, but the patient's sibling(s) as well.  Dreams can range from skydiving to road trips to Disneyland and anything else they can come up with. 

In short, The purpose is to grant meaningful wishes that can aid in the development of relationships between those who are ill and their siblings or close family members.

That's MY dream now.  As I begin the development stages of my new project and purpose I'll keep everyone up to speed.  More will most definitely be revealed.

You Are Free

I guess sometimes we just have to breathe. Breathing is pretty important. These seem to be silly statements at first glance. But how often do I forget to breathe? How often do I find myself holding my breath while waiting for some emotion or frustration to pass? How often do I start breathing too fast to the point I hyperventilate because of anger or frustration? It happens consistently that I forget to do the main form of life sustaining movement-- breath. 


There's something distinctly unique about taking in a breath and feeling the air entering your lungs until they feel full and the breathing out again until they feel depleted.  Being in that moment of breath takes away the momentary emotion that I hold my breath for. It makes it impossible to hyperventilate. When I concentrate on nothing but the breath I allow for a pause to happen in the midst of emotion.  Focusing on that breath  allows me to have a break from the insanity that enters my head.  It offers me momentary relief. 


Sometimes that momentary relief is all that I need to gain my footing back in the real world and realize that my emotions aren't based in fact.  Other times it only serves as a moment of peace before I slip back into the world of emotional irregularity. Regardless of what that focus on the breath gives me, be it a moment of peace or the footing I need, I am contented in realizing that I am able to gain mini-vacations from my insanity just by breathing.


Take a breath in through your nose. Notice the air and how it feels as you inhale. Is the air warm? Cold? Does it have an odors or smell?  How does it feel as it expands in your lungs? Feel the expansion of your rib cage and notice how your body responds to air.  How do you lungs feel as they're filled with the air around you?  As you begin to breathe out feel your body pressing the air out.  As your body retracts into itself, pushing out the air, feel the warmth of the breath as it leaves your nostrils. And in that moment... in this moment you are free.

Today I Grieve... Tomorrow I Save the World

The acute pain of the last week has abated.  The memory of being knocked over with grief and sobs seems to be a montage of faded pictures in the back of my mind. Regardless I still occasionally can barely keep it together some days.  The weight of melancholy has me moving slightly slower, laughing a little lower and finding motivation a little weaker.  I will mourn today and maybe tomorrow but eventually I will wake up and realize that I still want to save the world.  With what I know about me it will more than likely happen eventually, slightly more delayed perhaps, but I suppose saving the world isn’t a race. Saving the world is a process that begins with me.

I’ve thought about changing the name of my blog.  I’ve thought about it a hundred times since October. I’ve thought about letting it die a slow death and forgetting it all ever happened.  The internet is good at losing the thoughts of many a talented writer—why should I be any different?  But what was once a title of a physical location has become a title of emotional proportion. I may not be in Thailand any longer but I am still very much in foreign territory.  I am very much still finding my way home and learning ways to live. At times, I still feel very much alone in what seems an incredibly hostile place.

My heart longs to scream and wail in the midst of it.  The anger courses through my veins like so many destructive substances that I once put in my body.  But I realize the feelings of being isolated and alone are not based in fact.  I hold to the truth that my anger will not kill me like those substances once came very close to doing.  I hold to the belief that my longing screams will fade into a montage of past memories playing on the back burner of my mind.  And I will rise again. I must. I will not be held down by my grief.  I will push forward and with the support of all that is holy and good and true I will dwell again with the angels of mercy and peace.

Hope is not a feeling though it can be felt. Hope is a reality that can be felt when acceptance and awareness are fully actualized.  I do not feel hope today—I would be lying if I said I did. Regardless of whether I feel it or not I accept that it is present. I accept that it is there.  I accept that I am, in my very existence on the planet, the very tangible existence of hope. I should have been dead years ago and now having the opportunity to outlive both of my older brothers I take the gift of life with all the respect and reverence I can muster.  I will live fully and without fear.  I will live hard.  I will do and be and accomplish more than I thought was possible before. 

This whole process begins with finding a way to get the dryer fixed, making sure the dishes are done and that I make time to actually go to the bathroom.  I suppose Jesus, Muhammad and Buddha had to take craps and wash the dishes once in awhile too. Even the fathers of religion were human.  And in my humanity I realize what can be done. Today I grieve… tomorrow I change the world.