Getting a Little Closer

It's really easy to talk a good game and not play one.  How easy is it to talk faith and live a life not based in it? How easy is it to talk recovery and read some steps and vomit that all up and not apply those steps or literature to you life? You get the idea.

So, I'm on an 11th step which states, "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."  The thing about this step is that we don't seek conscious contact. We only seek to improve our conscious contact. Meaning, that regardless of whether I feel it or not I am in contact-- but its my job to improve my consciousness of that contact.  All too often I base this contact on how I feel.

Feelings are rarely based in fact.

If I'm basing what I believe is my conscious contact with God on my emotional stability then I'm off the mark to begin with. I am often angry with God of late. This is allowed. My anger does not mean I cannot improve my conscious contact.  I am often frustrated with life and being an adult but this does not mean I cannot improve my conscious contact. Even when I am happy, joyous and free that doesn't mean I am automatically improved in my conscious contact.  Contact with God is rarely based in emotion. But how does one begin to grasp the abstract concept of improving a contact with a being that many believe doesn't exist to begin with?

Sometimes you just gotta bring physical application to an abstract concept.  So in order to improve my conscious contact with my higher power I figure I have to remove some of the things that I KNOW are out of my higher power's will for my life.  

For example: Smoking.

I do not believe that it's in God's will for me to slowly kill the creation through smoking. So I've got a week off cigarettes.  And in that way I can remove one more action that directly conflicts with my contact with God.

For example: Eating Soy.

I have known for a while now that I have a sensitivity in soy. In that, when I eat soy I have a hormonal reaction that causes me to be irritable and have panic attacks (when I eat enough of it). And yet, I continue to eat it because its in everything and I rarely plan ahead enough to ensure that I don't eat it.  I eat it because I am lazy and don't want to plan ahead.  So instead I eat crap from fast food places and allow myself to be irritable which affects me and the relationships around me, including that of my higher power. This will be something I address soon. Going through nicotine withdrawal AND changing the way I eat at the same time is asking to fail. My current (subject to change) date to start eating soy free is March 12. By then I'll have processed through all physical aspects of nicotine addiction and begin solidifying my emotional aspects of the addiction as well.

For example: Cursing

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe there are times that cursing is perfectly acceptable and IN my higher power's will for my life. Sometimes it's just necessary.  However, there are times when it can be destructive to myself and to those around me.  Its in these times where I see that I don't have much control over my language and my own selfishness keeps me from being aware of those around me (mostly children).  One thing I know is that if I'm causing destruction or being selfish then I am out in God's will for my life and this is something that needs to be addressed.  I begin this tomorrow. 

For example: Tithing

Now for you non-church goers out there giving 10% of your income to church may seem antiquated. But for me, its been a huge part of my life.  Even in college, when I didn't have money to speak of I made sure at least 10% of my time was donated for service.  It became such a part of my life that i didn't even figure out if i was giving enough-- I knew i was.  Now? Since leaving Thailand I have neither tithed money nor time and I certainly haven't paid much attention to it.  Starting the first pay period in March I'll begin my tithing financially again.

The idea isn't "giving my earnings to God." The idea is that God has allowed me the privileged to be of service with my simple income.  It is not a sacrifice-- it is a joy.  And, as opposed to giving to my local church (sorry pastor) I'll be giving to  local charity organizations that are doing the service I would be doing if I wasn't working and being a responsible adult.

The idea is that I will meditate and pray on my own actions.  I will take a look at myself on a consistent basis and see where changes may need to be made.  I take a breath and breathe in the reality that my emotions do not determine my improved conscious contact-- my actions do.  

Intent of My Heart

Its funny how I forget the basics sometimes. No one will ever love me as good as I can love me. No one can validate my worth, hold me close or be as present with my heart as I can. And yet, every time I get into a relationship I subconsciously begin to think that I shouldn't be the one taking care of me. Like some man could ever take care of all the emotions and frustrations I have in my heart.  It's the moment when I realize I'm beginning to rely on a man to take care of me that I take a step back and breathe. My worth is not determined by a man or a job or my money or all the stuff I might own. My worth is determined by the intent of my heart. My worth is determined by the actions that occur because of that intent. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I just had one of the most calm, wonderful and pampered weekends of my life. It was just so sweet. And not sweet in some current cultural standard of the word but sweet like if you had honey on the edge of your teacup and it brushed your lips with warm sweetness... that kind of sweet. It warmed my heart and almost overwhelmed me. The moment that he left to get on the road for a week away for work my heart sunk. I realized, I didn't feel like I deserved it all. Who was I to get all of this? It's so easy for me to lose sight of my worth. It isn’t easy, when engulfed in love and comfort and warm snuggles, to remember that it is my job alone to give myself the attention my heart needs in order to comprehend my worth. He can give me the world and I wouldn't be able to accept it if I weren't able to accept myself first.

There is still a little girl inside of me that wants to be taken care of on every level. Taking care of myself is hard. Its hard being conscious of what my body needs for food. Its hard being aware of how much sleep I need and how much a spiritual community means to me. Its difficult paying attention to my emotional swings and doing what is healthy in order to make sure an emotional swing doesn't turn into an emotional down turn. If its hard for me and I'm the one inside my own head and heart how in the world could I expect ANYONE else to even attempt it? I'm, in fact, often a silly little girl. 

I'm grateful for the awareness.  My heart sinking wasn't the upset of him leaving so much as it was the realization that this is where the real work begins. If I want the relationship to last, and I do, then its time to get to work and take a look at myself. What do I need in order to keep my identity? What do I need in order to ensure my stability? What do I need to be happy and content with myself? If I can't answer and fulfill these questions then my relationships will always fade to the codependent. I've had enough of that for one lifetime.  So for my birthday today I'm simply giving myself the love and attention that I need while ensuring that the intent of my heart and the action behind that intent is safe and secure.