Sitting still has never been my specialty. I have lived in seven states (a few of them at two different times) and a foreign country. I’ve lived in as many houses as I am years in age (if not more) and I embraced my nomadic lifestyle. Whats more I’m not good at NOT doing things. I got really motivated when I got clean to DO things. So I’ve done things… a lot of them. I started a few programs at school, ran chapel wrote a 45 page senior paper and worked a few jobs—all at the same time. Then I raised money to volunteer and went to Thailand—three times. And on and on and on the list goes.
Not only have I never sat still I’ve never been able to just enjoy the life I have. I’ve always needed something more or bigger. The “ok, that was cool… what’s next?!” idea has always been pretty prevalent in my life. I get one thing that I’ve just always wanted (ie a boyfriend, a new car, a new place to live) and then I hang out with my new toy for a few weeks and then I’m ready for something different or just bigger and better. For (hypothetical) example, I get the boyfriend I’ve always wanted and its merely a few months in and I’m thinking when are we gonna get married already?! Like, seriously, lets get a move on people! I’ve got things to do and places to explore and cooler more interesting relationships to establish. Sheesh.
I think I forget that once I get something the art is not in the moving forward. The art is in the sitting still. It is a skill I’ve yet to master and I desperately want too. It can be painful never being able to rest but always feeling the need to keep “moving forward”. Like life has some destination and when I get all the stuff I’m supposed to have then I will have arrived at it.
I want to just enjoy my day without having to worry about what next big goal I need to accomplish or what new obstacle I need to complete. It’s so very very exhausting.
So with that I’ve decided that after buying a car (which will be happening relatively soon) there will be no more big decisions for the next 6 months. Life changing choices, major emotional upheavals and monetary decisions are done. I am giving myself a break. I’m giving myself a hiatus from living such a heavy lifestyle with decisions and major moving parts. Just for today I’m allowing myself a vacation. A rest. I’m learning how to enjoy what I have without making a change to it. Just for today.
