Things You Learn on the Way to Learning Other Things

I heard on a tv show once that you should be able to look back on your life and it look like a well pieced together novel with twists and turns and circumstances that could only have happened if someone wrote about them.  If it was on tv it must be true. Right? Well ok, perhaps not but I think there's something to this.  I look back at my life and it doesn't look like a novel as much as a really twisted soap opera with lots of illegal substances, cancer, murder and mayhem.  Either way each segment of my life and the learning I received from it added layers to the next.

For example. My time at Bryn Athyn College taught me how to be incredibly organized and self-motivating. Those skills translated into my senior year where I rarely had a moment to breathe and had to schedule in "friend" time weeks in advance.  How often did India, Chloe or Tungsty stop by at my makeshift office on the couch between Pen Hall and Brickman only to be dismissed or spoken to briefly before my head was buried back in to New Testament Greek or my Senior Paper? That year taught me how to keep friendships whilst being completely and utterly distracted.  It taught me how to be a good friend despite my own "stuff".  I learned how to be effective for the people I was working for and still be present for others even if it meant only five minutes of conversation or being penciled in weeks ahead of time.

This had meant that since being back in GA I've had the amazing ability to be highly organized with my brother's medical records, be at the hospital sometimes for 6-10 hours a day or be with Dave for that long doing appointments, hit a meeting about 5 times a week, meet with my new sponsor, half-ass look for a job, apply to law school and enter into a new relationship ALL without freaking out too much. And this is ONLY because of the insanity I also endured last year at BAC.  I learned how to manage stress and cope with trauma while being incredibly busy and completely insane.

The same goes for Thailand.  The reality is that I am a woman who longs for consistency. I like a schedule and a structure and an idea of whats expected of me on a daily basis ahead of time so I can prepare.  In thailand I never had consistency, had no idea what was expected of me and the only thing I could prepare for was the reality if I didn't braid my hair it would be in knots due to riding my motorbike around.  My schedule changed day to day and sometimes hour to hour.  A day at the office could easily turn into a tour up into the mountains for a rice festival or seeing Yuy dance at a local temple.  Adventures in the hills would change into long meetings at the Amphoe (local governemtn building) that I could neither understand nor care about.  This state of change was incredibly difficult for a woman like me who likes to have a highly organized structured schedule and likes to get amazing amounts of work done.

The Thai's laugh at calendars. They always run late. There is no set schedule even for the public school system and changing it up and doing things different is just how they do.  I learned very quickly to be content with the unknown insanity or be frustrated and annoyed all the time.  And let me tell you, that lesson has translated into my present state a hundred times over.  Every day changes with David from what he needs to whats really wrong to what kinds of treatments he'll need.  We go from thinking we're starting treatment to needing more tumor removed. At home and mostly mobile to rushing to the ER because of increased paralysis. I go from a leisurely meeting with my sponsor to rushing home when he's in a panic. Consistency is a joke. I'm only ok with it because of the months of learning and understanding a different way of life just before coming back.  Had I not learned the lesson of "going with the flow" I'd be an insane wreck right now.

Life's lessons aren't always easy. Expanding boundaries and learning new ways to live is often uncomfortable an annoying but my reality is that it was those times of uncomfortability and frustration that have allowed me to be exactly what I need to be in this moment. My higher power is at work and has been since the beginning. I'm in awe of the masterpiece and my ability to be woven into the tapestry of such elegant design. 

On a David update note: he's more awake and aware this morning. He's talking about video game remakes and his intense desire for bacon. We'll watch the Price is Right soon and make fun of the contestants for old times sake. He's healing well and will be going for an MRI sometime today to check on the healing process and ensure that the doctor was able to get everything they could this time around.

Today I'm grateful for my uncomfortability and my growing experiences. I'm really thankful that I was able to learn things on the way to learning other things.

The Surgery in a Nut Shell

There are moments in life when accepting reality and being ok with the reality that we're given is quite difficult.  Yesterday, I suppose, was no different.  The surgery on David was long, arduous and the waiting was scary.  For just over four hours yesterday we waited for the surgeon to come out and tell us what was going on.  The actual surgery took about three hours and 15 minutes. 

What the doctor said was both good and horrifying in many ways. The good side is that they did remove around 80-90% of the tumor. A huge victory if further treatment has a chance of working.  The parts left behind were those that had spread into the spinal column.  The doctor stated if he removed those sections it would do more harm than good-- in that, he could permanently disable David.  The part I had not fully realized is that while taking out that tumor the doctor also had to remove parts of David's cerebellum.  In order to remove the tumor effectively parts of David's brain had to come out as well.

Don't freak out.

The good news again is that the tumor was in david's cerebellum.  The human brain is an amazing thing and this part of the brain in particular is good at making comebacks.  No, the brain won't regrow the cerebellum but yes the left side that was left untouched will slowly begin to compensate for the things taken out.  Things like mobility and fine motor skills, which David will be missing now when he wakes up and is active again, will come back.  They will begin to regrow and relearn- but it will take time.  Weeks and maybe even months will pass before these skills will start to come back.  And there is a good chance that he won't have all the mobility he had before, which is hard but I suppose its better than being dead.

Its a scary thing to hear a doctor tell you he's taken out part of your brother's brain.  But the small victory is that had the tumor been in any other part of the brain it might have been inoperable. Or if they had operated we might have lost what makes David, David.  We haven't lost any emotions, moods or personality.  He will be the same asshole brother he's always been.  Slightly less mobile maybe but still the same amount of ass. 

I'm at the hospital this morning and he's still groggy and in pain. The meds they have him on are keeping him drowsy and out of it.  We'll know how much mobility he still has in the next few days as he gains his strength and recovers.  He's still able to move all his limbs, squeeze hands when commanded and tell people "to leave me alone I'm trying to sleep". A good sign indeed.

As for me, I'm still in shock and processing the amazing amount of emotions I've had in the last few days.  No easy feat.  But this will pass and when it does more will be revealed.

What Tomorrow Brings

Tomorrow is major brain surgery to remove the 1 by 2 inch tumor still hanging out in David's head.  I suppose I'm a little nervous. Two major brain surgeries in just over a month is no joke. The increased paralysis, slurred speech and frustration over the last few days have only increased our anxiety.  Emotional exhaustion is ever present.

When the world seems heavy its always best for me to look at the lighter parts of my reality.  Had I chosen to attend grad school this year instead of Thailand I'd be trying to figure out if I'd be dropping out of school to be with my family or staying despite the problems at home. I'm grateful I don't have to make that decision and I'm grateful I don't have to start over.  The years of visiting GA while in Philadelphia means that I have two amazing networks of people in both states who care about me very much.  It has meant that growing roots in Gainesville has been beyond easy. I've been able to start a relationship despite my pain and am enjoying that immensely. 

Regardless of the lighter side of life this process is far from easy.  The fear is often present.  But I realize that despite the ever present fear and the ongoing process that I am not alone. Far from alone.  There is some sort of peace in this.

Tomorrow the surgery starts at 11am at Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta.  David and I will make the trek down to the hospital tonight to avoid morning traffic. We have to check in by 7:45 for a fancy stealth MRI that will aid in the surgical procedure.  We'll be staying in hotel like rooms that the hospital provides and we'll be eating out at our favorite restaurant and then chilling.  It'll be nice to just hang out with my bro and not have a real agenda for the evening.

It is the reality that all will be well or it won't.  And either way God's will has got me on this one.  If you'd like to stay updated on David's procedures you can search "David's Virtual Waiting Room" on facebook to get more consistent updates from my parents and myself as the day goes on tomorrow.  I thank you for all your love, support and prayers.

Roller Coaster Crazy

Roller coaster doesn't really even begin to describe it. The ups and downs, hospital changes, doctor changes, med changes and complications and frustrations have continued. The only thing consistent in my life in the last month is inconsistency.  As of now I sit in the ER waiting for the doctors to determine if David has regressed or if the changes are normal. This morning I got a call from David in a panic... his paralysis had increased and seemed to be moving from his right and progressing to the left and his speech was much more slurred.

After some discussion and waiting we've taken Dave to the ER just to make sure things aren't worse... or in the very least to see whats going on. As of now his surgery to remove the rest of his tumor is still scheduled for Tuesday and we don't think that should change at all. We're waiting on the ER docs to look at the scan, consult with his specialists and to let us know what, if anything, has changed. At that point we'll know if they'll admit him or not.

The emotional stress that goes along with all this is rather incredible. It enables one to get through emergency or scary situations with ease and yet puts one on the edge of wanting to break down and sob.  Finding the balance between his care and my own isn't easy for me.  Its a process and one that enables me to grow. 

Continued prayers and love is always appreciated.  Currently, as we wait in the ER, David and I are planning a grand road trip cross country, a flight to Hawaii and a road trip back in the finest hotels and first class. Dreaming, I suppose, is always nice. Though, if you'd like to help that dream along we're not again donations.

Moving Along.

In my adult life I haven't been the type of girl who prays for miracles.  Its just not and hasn't ever been my thing.  I suppose in many ways I'm not a huge fan of miracles.  This is because they lead people on to thinking that miracles are possible for everyone who prays hard enough for them.  Its like watching a Disney movie and thinking that love will find everyone so splendidly, so young and so happily ever after. Does it happen for a few? Most certainly.  Does it happen for everyone? Most certainly not.

I suppose this is why, while many pray for miracles, I simply pray for acceptance. This allows me to be thankful for a miracle if it happens and calm and peaceful when it doesn't.  It takes away the expectation that God will do what I hope for and instead reminds me that God will do what is needed.  There is some peace in this.  

Regardless of prayers things are moving along. After another stint in the hospital because of brain swelling they're hoping to release David sometime today.  We're hoping we can release him to an impatient rehab facility.  This is mostly because of his increased weakness and mobility issues.  Were someone not around him all the time risks of falling or injury are huge.  We're hoping that a few days in the impatient rehab will give him the kickstart he needs to regain some strength and practice on fine motor skills so that he can be on his own a bit more.

Thursday we go to see a specialist at Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta. There the specialist in Dave's particular type of cancer will be able to tell us what treatment options are available. The doctors at the hospital we're currently in want to do intense chemo and radiation. This is something that David doesn't want to do-- it would be difficult if not completely horrible. The docs down at Piedmont have different options and we're hoping to explore those. 

As many say... more will be revealed.

A Letter to Humanity

I wrote this back in August. I suppose its more relevant now than it has even been before.  There's a lot going on and updating people consistently about my brother's condition hasn't been easy but reading over my little manifesto on fear I realize how many times in the last few days I have let fear take over.  Just for today I let it go.

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A Manifesto on Fear- A letter to humanity

Dear Humanity,

I want you to know that when we act in fear we are hardly ever acting in God’s will for our lives.  Our fear will hold us hostage and it will keep us from loving as well and as much as we possibly could.  Our fear will put up walls that our faith so easily tears down.  Oh, my precious humanity, fear is the putrid vile substance that plagues us so often—it is not healthy and accomplishes nothing.  Let it go for greater things.  Or hold on to it for all I care, you are allowed to be afraid, but you must walk through the fear you hold or risk never changing. If we stay in fear many of us will die.

Fear has told me that the impossible is impossible.  Fear tells me that when the world says “no” and that I should listen.  Fear tells me that being practical is the right thing to do.  Fear tells me that I should know my place.  Fear tells me that I should run and hide when things get hard.  Fear tells me that loving easy and loving hard will just get me hurt.  Fear tells me to bolt, to run and to hold onto the anger of my past and carry it as a shield to protect my heart.  Fear, quite frankly, can go fuck itself.

Fear may tell me that the impossible is impossible but faith tells me that ALL things are possible.  I can move a whole damn mountain if I need to and lift it up and throw it into the sky and watch it rise as if it were a balloon. The world has told me “no” a thousand times: no- you can’t afford college, no- Thailand is unachievable, no- loving him will get you hurt, no- you cannot open yourself to new loves… you’re still hurt, no no no NO NO NO. The world is wrong.  I did afford college, I did achieve Thailand… not once but three times, I have loved and I have loved well and I will love again and I will do so with all that I am and all that I know.  I am capable because I have a God who is and always has been the love I have always wanted and needed.  I know that with just an ounce of that love I can change the world.  I will change the world mostly because I have discovered that my God is rarely practical.

My humanity, my people, my friends—when there is nothing left and it seems that only our fear is left to keep us company, we must remember that we are not alone.  Fear is the old pattern of our minds looking for the infinite in our finite minds.  We are incapable of defeating such fear.  But a power greater than ourselves can and does often restore us to sanity.  And that sanity tells me that when there is nothing left there is always something left.  When the fear keeps me hostage, when it keeps me doing the same thing over and over without new results, when it tells me that familiar pain is better than unfamiliar joy… I will refuse. REFUSE.  I will refuse to believe the lie.  My God is stronger than a lie.

So my friends, I challenge you to look fear in the face and walk right through it.  Will it be hard? Yes. Will it hurt and be uncomfortable? Yes.  Will it be scary and will you often fail? Yes.  But will you grow in your faith and love of yourself? Most definitely.  It will be the best decision you’ve ever made for yourself.  Walk through the fear—and love better, deeper and stronger than ever before.  Tell the age old lie that it doesn’t deserve your attention.  My dear humanity, you are worth it.

Drain is out. Pathology is an Asshole.

The drain that was in David's head has been removed. He will be able to leave the ICU today and be moved to the nuerology floor. This is good news because the ICU is pretty annoying. Also because the ICU is lame. Not the point. The point is that the drain is out, the stitches look gross and he's doing relatively fine.  They will not release him until he can walk with at least a walker. So he might be released tomorrow or the next day.

We're still waiting to hear back from pathology to tell us if its cancer for sure or not. As of this morning it wasn't done but now I have their number-- so thats good for us and will probably be highly annoying for them. I'm ok with it.  I'll be going back up to the hospital soon to harass the neurosurgeon into calling pathology in front of me. Chances of getting an answer of some sort are high because I'm tired, cranky and don't give a rats ass if the doctors like me or not.  So. There ya go.

Until will have confirmation on the pathology we are treading water in some sort of twisted limbo. Amazingly enough we've been in worse places. Hello silver lining.

Fancy Names and White Coats Don't Scare Me

I'm sitting in Dave's hospital room at 6:45 in the morning in order to tackle his neurosurgeon.  They don't do rounds at normal times of the day.  I assume this is because most people didn't become brain surgeons to talk to people.  I have compassion and understanding for this-- to a very limited degree.  When it comes to my family I don't do avoidance and non-communication very well.

So here I sit. Chatting with my brother about his annoyances with the night time ICU staff and how benedryll makes him do funny things in the night whilst waiting on a team of alpha male insanity to walk into the room in white coats.  I lay in wait. Armed with my lap top and questions from my soon-to-be doctor friend who's in Ireland or is it Scotland? I don't know. I am prepared.

I don't know if you know me. But I don't do mornings. So here I am with my list of questions, cup of coffee and attempting to suppress my already bubbling attitude. I have dealt with surgeons before and our alpha personalities never quite mesh-- I suppose I'm one of those people that isn't scared by big letters after your name and teams of doctors in fancy white coats.  I realize that behind that facade they are people who are inherently broken just like me. With this reality I know that we are quite the same. I am not one to back down.

I suppose what I'm looking for is a prognosis-- worst case/best case scenario. I want to know how invasive the tumor really was and when the pathology will come back. I want to know when and if they're going to let him out of the ICU or a good estimation of when that will happen. Then, if they're good little doctors and answer all my questions, I might... MIGHT bring them cookies tomorrow. If they're lucky. 

Tumors Suck

I'm awake and three in the morning because jetlag blows.  I'm jetlagged because I am now home.  Its weird sleeping in a soft bed and there being a chill in the air.  It doesn't feel real. To be honest I'm still not feeling much of anything. Reality will set in about the time jetlag wears off and I'll fully comprehend what is happening.  To be honest, it feels like 8 years ago all over again in many many ways.

David is still in the ICU though they may move him out in the next day or two.  The surgery went well, all things considering, and he's resting and healing.  The doctors weren't able to get the tentacles of the brain tumor out though the larger mass was removed so that the most life threatening issue is taken care of for the moment.  The doctor said it looks cancerous even though a test has not yet been run on the tumor.  Doctor's don't say things like that unless they are sure.  We do not know yet what type of tumor or cancer it may be but we should know relatively soon.  While David is awake and coherent for the most part I'm not sure that he understands that they weren't able to get it all. He will know soon.

As for me, I have not yet fallen apart though I'm sure it will happen eventually.  As for now I'm just going forward doing the next right thing.  I'll be getting a cellphone sometime today and will text people once I have my new number.  I'll be at the hospital for the bulk of the day and will be at a meeting tonight.  The last time Dave was going through this my addiction was really just beginning.  This time around I have the opportunity to be present and aware.  No one said it would be easy, just that i wouldn't have to do it alone. 

I'm grateful for the hundreds of people praying, the support from family and friends and the love I feel from around the world as my family goes through this time.  We are abundantly loved and cared for.  For now I'm going to attempt a few more hours of sleep and then a short jog in the morning. Love you guys so much.

Family Update

Funny how quickly things change.  I'm breathing because doing anything else in the moment is a bit too much for me. Thats ok. Breathing is good and the packing is almost done. I leave for the states today-- 9 months ahead of schedule. My brother is in the hospital back home and though we don't know exactly whats going on I've decided that life is too short to lay back and see what happens.  So though we're not sure exactly whats going on we know a few things.

One thing we know is that there is a tumor. We don't know if its cancerous or if its benign. We do not know about operations or anything to that extent. We know that it was causing problems with fine motor skills especially on the right side of his body. We know that there was swelling in his brain and because of that they put him in the ICU to be monitored.  Dave did have brain cancer a decade ago- much of whats going on is similar but we aren't jumping to conclusions.

I decided that I'd be of no help here while I'm worried and desperate for news back home.  I'm flying out early from Bangkok tomorrow morning.  I may not be able to help at home but having the opportunity to annoy the shit out of my brother seems like a fairly good/fun idea.  It will be good for my spirit to spend this time with my family and go through the process with them. 

There's a chance I may return to Thailand and there is a big chance I will not.  Either way I will keep you updated. I thank you for prayers, support, love and your presence in my life.  

When The Floods Recede

The people of Thailand are a resilient people.  As the flood waters of the Ping crested the banks and began to flood the shops of the night bazaar people were ready for it. Shop owners had moved their stuff to top shelves and put out fishing poles-- if there was gonna be a flood there was gonna be fish in it. They looked the devestation in the face and had a fish fry. I shit you not.

I have something to learn from the Thai people. Their shops, their homes and their way of life was altered by a force they could not control and they fried fish. In retrospect it seems like a natural transition-- move your stuff upward and put out the fishing pole and sit back and watch it happen. You cannot alter a flood so you might as well take from the flood what it has to offer.

So what flood do I have in my life and what can I take from it? I have a flood of emotions (what else is new) and dealing with them is neither simple nor easy. Complications with my visa at the Thai boarder and a mixture of loneliness and fear had me throwing temper tantrums in my apartment in Chiang Mai the other night. Growth is painful. The banks of my river crested and the flood overcame me... but now i'm in the midst of what could either be devastation or good fishing trip.  Apparently devastation can be a choice and its all about perspective.  Today I choose to go fishing-- my visa problems can be fixed and my loneliness and fear can be transformed into mature growth.  Besides, skittles are in the mail on their way to yours truly. Life could be much worse.

So the floods receded, people at fish and when the water was gone they swept out the mud, brought their goods down to floor level and opened up shop within a few short hours.  Not only did they refuse to be devastated they got back to life as soon as possible. They didn't look at the effort it would take or complain about how it made life complicated-- they just did the next right thing and got back to life as normal.

So now that my own flood has receded somewhat the plan for tomorrow is simple-- get back into the swing of things.  I'm talking to a monk at local temple to search out locations for the youth program, measuring the kids at the children's home for another group thats coming in and bringing them clothes and attempting to finish an essay for Vanderbilt Divinity school. I will pray and do the thing that make me whole and are full of self care. I will get back to my life, eat my fish and move past the flood.  I will learn how to deal with the next flood all the better... next time the fishing pole will be out a lot sooner.

Floods in Thailand

The flood have reached epic proportions.  I am not using the word "epic" in a cool hip fashion. I seriously mean they are epic.  The buses from Phrao to Chiang Mai were cancelled this morning due to flash floods.  By 12:30 the buses were finally back and running but the sights down the mountain road were sobering.  Apparently I do not handle the sight of destruction very well.  Powerlessness is not a fun thing to realize when people around you are in so much pain.

Several time on the way down creeks turned rivers flowed over the road. Homes were flooded three and four feet high in places. Entire families waded in knee high water trying to salvage belongings. People who already have so little have lost even more.  The death toll from flash floods is now almost 200.  Roads, in places, are completely impassible and rice paddies-- the crux of economic stability in the North are completely flooded out in areas turning low lying spaces into mammoth lakes.

The military was out enforce while I was being bussed to Chiang Mai. Pontoon boats could be seen picking up the elderly who were stuck in their homes.  They were digging in and scraping mud off bridges as the water receded temporarily.  People everywhere were on the roads with rolled up pants-- military personnel were handing out bottled water and rice.

Taken from the 17th floor of the Royal Lana

As I arrived in Chiang Mai the Ping River was incredibly swollen.  As we crossed the Nowarat Bridge you could see it was only a foot or two from cresting.  It was about an hour after I crossed when the river finally crested and flooded nearby streets.  Chiang Mai's night bazaar, pictured here, is flooded and the waters are continuing to rise tonight.

A few of my friends are stuck in the buildings until the water recedes. Thankfully most of them had notice that the river would crest and were able to either leave or get supplies before they were locked in.

They'll be there until at least Friday more than likely and getting basic services to those in need is next to impossible right now.

The rain is continuing to fall off and on tonight and flooding will continue until the rain and waters recede. 

I'm asking people to keep the people affected in your prayers and thoughts. Tomorrow I make a journey into Burma to have my visa renewed. The roads aren't the best right now but they are passable.

There's something to be said about being prepared-- I booked this trip a few days ahead of my visa running out. If for any reason it must be canceled I have a few days leeway in order to make my crossing. 

Thank you for your support, love and prayers.

Writing.

I have several personal goals I'd like to achieve while in Thailand. I'm applying to dual programs in Law and Theology.  I'm taking the LSAT. I'm writing my book. I'm doing step work. Etc Etc.

Goals are great. I often set them high to stretch myself.  My book is probably the most stretching I've done in a very long time.  I'm writing my life story in non-linear form.  I'm off to a pretty good start but I've found it incredibly emotionally taxing.  Bringing up the past and dredging up the emotions from my addiction and putting them on paper is one thing.  Doing this while not surrounded by an epic support system that I had back in Philly is quite another.  It brings up bad dreams, old feelings and the past judgements I placed on myself.

When writing the book I've realized that it is no longer about seeking forgiveness of those I've hurt-- I've done that already. It is now about actively seeking amends from myself.  How much pain did I put myself through? How much pain did I put others through.  Writing about the past in story form, I can easily see how self-centered and animal-like I had become.  I wasn't living much of the time-- I was surviving.  It wasn't pretty.  It wasn't attractive.

I've also realized in this project that I am no longer that person.  I am a world away from who that girl was-- literally and figuratively.  I now have the perspective to see what I was and what, if I allow it to happen, I could be again if I'm not careful.  So I plunge ahead despite the painful reminders.  My greatest gift I have to offer is the gift that perspective gave me.  To keep it from the world is to selfishly keep it to myself. 

Beyond that I have my first law school interview with Vanderbilt tomorrow night via skype. I've finished three out of four applications and I'm finding out who I want to be when I grow up. Kinda. More will be revealed.

America Needs to Get Some: Why Perspective Matters

I don’t like many Americans.  That is not to say that I don’t love them in epic fashion.  But I can love you without liking you. I’m actually pretty good at it.  My reasons for dislike stem directly from sayings like, “God bless America”.  Such things get under my skin.  The excess and first world problems of American society frustrate me. 

I realize that pain is about perspective.  When, as a person, you only experience the problems that come with excess and wealth its difficult to see why only being a one-car family isn’t that big of deal in the grand scheme of life.  I get that not being comfortable is hard and having less than what you’re used to is no picnic.  I’m not saying the emotions, frustrations and annoyances with the current state in America aren’t valid. I’m not even saying that people aren’t going through difficult and emotional times.  But what I’m saying is, if pain is about perspective maybe its time that we got some.  I include myself in this because my American first world problems spill over into my third world surroundings constantly.  I’m not perfect in this.

I’m writing this while complaining about the fact that I miss soft over stuffed couches. I ain’t perfect.  I’m going to say it again. I’m not perfect in this.  I’m flawed and American and used to excess. This entry is a reminder to myself as much as it is a reminder to those back home that when we ask God to bless American we have often forgotten that we were blessed over and over and over again a long fucking time ago and taking those blessings for granted is, in my perspective, why we are in the “crisis” we are in right now.  This is not a punishment from the Lord. Nay, this is simply a direct result of our own actions.

Regardless, this is why “God Bless America” annoys me. Seriously Americans, what else do we need? We have food on our tables, roofs over our heads and cars in the parking lot.  Some of us have lost our homes to foreclosure- but I don’t know a single family that is on the streets (though to be sure there are some).  Some of us have filed bankruptcy- but not one of you is in jail for not paying debts and not one of my friends has ended up with broken kneecaps for not paying their lender.  Some of us had to humble ourselves and move in with parents and relatives, others had to go back to school, drop out of school and do incredible amounts of work to get by. But still, you eat three times a day, have your air conditioning, your car and your clothes. I’m guessing if you’re reading this you have more than one pair of shoes. 

What’s more, you have your refrigerator, your tv, your computer to read this blog and you have your running drinkable water, you have food. And if you do lose your job you have some of the best services in the world.  The poor on the street of NYC have more services and programs available to them in any third world country.  Where children die of starvation and disease in Africa your children get free education and, in most states, access to health care and insurance.  Where I complain of a lack of comfortable seating for my ass my friends in Phrao down the street crap in a hole in the ground and three person family lives on $45.00 a month. Who am I to complain about a lack of snuggles, skittles and movie going experiences? Seriously, who do I think I am? 

I know what I complain about and need to address those issues. So I ask you my friends, what are you complaining about?  You don’t have a job but you have running drinkable water. You don’t have the money to afford a second car but you have one that’s running but children die on disease half a world a way.  Your education system is stretched but you have FREE education.  You moan about the lack of excess in your nation begging God to bless you again— perhaps the reality is that you’re sitting right in the middle of the blessing to begin with.  Perhaps the reality is that the blessing you’re getting with your seeming hardship is the perspective I’m talking about.  Perspective can be a blessing.

You’ve asked God to bless you. So I’m challenging you to see the blessing that is already present.  God didn’t leave you, He didn’t forsake you and he didn’t leave you alone for one minute, second or day. Perhaps the prayer shouldn’t be “God bless America” perhaps the prayer could be “God help America see the blessing”.

The blessing isn’t always getting what we want when we want it. The blessing isn’t always comfortable.  The times when the blessing IS manna falling from heaven we abuse it just like the Jews did in the Old Testament.  Quite frankly, I’m not a fan of looking an ultimate divine being in the face and telling him that what he has given me isn’t good enough.  Are you?  What I’m saying is that the blessing is often the learning experience we need to be joyful and content with all that we have. At least, that is exactly what the blessing has been for me.

I don't do Nature.

I hate cliches. I use them all the time. Home is where the heart is. Annoying. True.

In the last few weeks I've finished up a lot of grad school applications that ask "permanent address" it makes me laugh.  Seriously? I haven't had a permanent address beyond my college address since 2008.  Before that I moved every six months.  I counted once-- I've lived in 26 houses in 27 years.  So when any application asks me what my permanent address is I laugh.  When someone asks me where "I'm from" I usually respond with "Well, thats a long story. I mean.. I was born in Texas.. is that what you mean?" 

There are a lot of preacher's kids and army brats out there that can relate.  I'm a nomad and always have been.  I think about settling down somewhere and I get a little anxious.  I'm not sure how to sit still and I'm not quite sure if I want to yet.

When it comes to Thailand home is, for me, not comfortable.  But that doesn't make it any less home.  In my house we have an air conditioner we don't use because its effin' expensive. Its hot, humid and lovely.  The "kitchen" is a room at the back of the house with a fridge, a shelf, dishes and a wooden table like thing that has a burner on it and a wall that leaks every time it rains. Thats it. Long gone are the days of mad baking or extensive kitchen space. I'm learning to cook on a whole different level.  Now, you should be asking yourself, what about the kitchen sink?!  And I would reply "oh, well, thats outside the back door."  Thats right ladies and gentleman the sink is outside. 

Now I want to clarify for a moment that by Thai standards my house is absolutely wonderful and beautifully tiled.  Reality is that I love it immensly.  I like having my own space out in the country far and away from the city life of chiang mai. Whenever I go into the city for the weekend and have my air conditioning, american food and night life I'm still ready to be back in Phrao by Sunday night.  This does not mean Phrao is comfortable but its getting more comfortable by the day.

So let me explain why the outside sink is so pivotal in my life.  I regularly proclaim that "I don't do nature."  This is an absolutely true statement.  I don't like the great outdoors for any extended period of time.  I don't like hiking. Camping or "roughing it" doesn't make any sense to me.  Being uncomfortable for no reason beyond "enjoying it" doesn't compute with this Pastor's Kid who was raised in middle suburbia.  So living in a home in north thailand where I must constantly fight back the ants, wash my dishes in the heat outside where I now gingerly move the snails so they don't die and continuously must wash away the algea is a bit abnormal. But the sink is pivotal.

You see, being uncomfortable may not make sense to me but being uncomfortable so that i have an opportunity to help other people is completely acceptable and even enjoyable.  I'm going to say it again that the sink is pivotal.  When I first got to thailand I would go out to the sink to wash things and run inside squealing because of a new bug infestation or I'd wash all the dishes except for the cups that had snails crawling in them.  Etc etc etc.  Now, here almost three months (which is crazy to me) I've become semi-pro at doing the dishes outside.  I swat off the ginormous black ants without a second thought, I gingerly but gently detach snails from cups and bowls and place them on the ground where they can run free and i routinely have a conversation with the geckos on the wall in front of me.  I sweat like a cow in heat, get the dishes done and then lay down in my overheated room while eating frosted flakes.  Lovely, just lovely.

Nothing about Thailand has changed since I arrived.  The bugs are just as bad, the heat is still pretty pervasive and the mosquitoes have not stopped biting.  My uncomfortability with the nature around me however has begun to dissipate.  After all, this isn't nature, this is my home and my heart is right here in the middle of it all.

I'm not Hercules... But I want to be.

I rarely get theological on this blog.  My readers vary from the deeply spiritual and religious to the strictly atheist.  But the reality for me is that my life is centered around finding God's will in my life.  I've found that my will gets me in trouble but when I'm looking for God's will I end up doing awesome things (like spending a year in thailand).  I also had the realization that if I'm looking for God's will in my life then saving/changing the world is not required of me.  All thats required of me is finding my God's will for me in my life... the reality however is that God's will might have me changing or saving the world. God's will might also have me settling down as a cute little minister in a cute little church with a cute man with cute little kids.  The possibilities are endless.  And for my atheist readers out there-- feel free to skip this one.

But being a demi-god is rather appealing.  Who wouldn't want to be like Hercules? He was able to lift some really big stuff and do some pretty amazing things. And I happen to be the kind of woman that wants nothing less then to do some pretty amazing things.  I feel the need to save the world.  The thought "if no one else is going to do it then I might as well" goes through my head on a pretty consistent basis.  I have big timers to back me up. Like Gandhi who said "Be the chance you want to see in the world" or Jesus who said "Sell all your crap and follow me".  Selling my stuff and moving to Thailand to be the change I wanted to see seemed like normal operating procedure.  I mean, who wouldn't do it? A lot of people apparently.   

Getting to Thailand though one can see how difficult it can be to make waves in the world.  Here it's difficult and a long term process to make waves in a community.  The challenge of changing the world seems overwhelming when the challenge of creating change in a small community seems next to impossible.  This is why a lot of people don't sell their stuff and move to a foreign country.  But this is exactly the reason why I would. Besides, I've never been good at staying still long.  The question I often ask myself is "Would I be content with anything less than attempting to change the world?".  Its a question I don't actually know the answer to.

So what the hell is this blog about anyway?  It's about the ever impending crisis of what I'll do next with my life.  I'm exploring the possibility of a joint degree in law and theology.  The thought of being an ordained attorney is one that entertains me on many levels.  It would also give me the platform I'd need to go into non-profit law or politics.  But I've already been accepted into several wonderful Theological schools that would allow me ordination and perhaps also allow me a social life.  Which way do I go? And then there's that ever quiet part of me that longs to stay still. In many ways I've found that home is where my heart is and my heart is contentedly hanging out in Thailand for the moment.  How long with that contentedness last though? I've no idea.

The question I ask myself is: What are my motives?  If my motives are all about "look at me and what I can do" then we have a problem and the resentments I'd cop against myself would be problematic.  IF my motives, regardless of what I do, are about "Who can I help and what am I really capable of" then perhaps I'm more on the right track.  If a friend of mine was in this situation I would tell them to pray about it.  The 12-steps always seem to have an answer to these problems... the third step prayer states, "God take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery and show me how to live." And perhaps this is where I'm at.  I don't want to change the world unless God is behind that plan... otherwise I'm in a world of hurt.

I realize some people are thinking that I can't just decide to change the world and do it.  On that note I completely disagree. Some of you are thinking that I'm crazy for basing my next move on a relationship with some divine being in the sky. Its cool you think that-- I'll put a good word in for you with the Big Guy upstairs. Either way, I've got some time to make that decision though.  So I'm taking it.  I breathe, I laugh off the latest Thai Government meeting and get to work.

With Our Powers Combined: Sustainable Tourism at its Best

I live in a third world country.  A developing third world country but a third world country nonetheless.  In such a nation where those in the city live a life of relative splendor and the farmers in the mountains make less than fifty cents a day its easy to see the stark contrasts.  The thin veil of modernity and resources recedes just a few moments drive outside of Chiang Mai.  Life is a different world in the mountains.  In these mountains we attempt to create change on a smaller scale.

The majority of my trip is based on creating a youth program. You've been hearing all about that for the last few months.  Yet, there's another project I've been hoping to accomplish with my sidekick Divya. Together, with our powers combined, we're attempting to create sustainable, responsible tourism in the Phrao district. It is no simple task.

This tourism will provide a boost in the economy in the area (for example, they have over a hundred rooms for rent in Phrao every day and they have about 10 tourists every year).  It will provide sustainable income for Warm Heart (something every NGO should have). It will promote awareness of the realities of Thailand-- something few tourists actually see. And it will provide a responsible boost in the economy of the Tribal villages yet our tourist cap will prevent locals and tribes people becoming dependent on the tourists-- something that has not been done in the past (in places like Chiang Mai and Pai) and it has depleted both cultural impact and has ruined the traditions of the tribes. 

Balancing all these goals and missions while creating something viable and meaningful to the tourist who's interested in the work of NGO's like ours is no easy task.  The first package we've created focuses on Warm Heart and their initiatives, local features (amazing waterfalls, ancient temples and sugar factories and bamboo furniture) and a visit with the local tribes.  It is geared to the kind of person who's looking to see how life really is in rural Thailand and is interested in the work that goes into helping people help themselves. 

The great thing is that there is a lot of awesome cool untouched attractions in Phrao-- a lot of rice not so many tourists.  The problem is that we're creating this package in a third world country that pretends to be something else.  Finding waterfalls, getting quotes and developing business contracts with local hotels and business men isn't easy. 

It is the reminder that no one said this trip would be easy.  And its not like its some melodramatic issue but what it does mean is that it takes consistent forward movement.  To stop or slow down means losing ground and footing.  This is not hard but it is relatively exhausting. This is the sludge I was talking about in the last entry-- fighting the sludge and continuing forward despite the exhaustion is possible. Its always possible. 

So the things to work on are: business contracts (or maybe in the region of the world contracts aren't so necessary but some kind of agreement will be necessary).  We'll need to meet with tribal headmen and talk about costs and dates.  We need to build a marketing strategy and figure out a cheap easy way to get the word out about our sustainable and responsible awesome tours. We need a website. We need to create a sustainable way that Warm Heart tours can operate after Divya and I leave.  There's a host of things that need to be done....

So if you're out there in internet land and you're thinking.. hey.. I'm good at some of those things on that to do list.. I can help with that! Then hit me up and let me know. We're always looking for people who have good ideas and better motivation.  Besides, Divya and I got mad superhero powers but with our powers and yours combined... it will be epic!

Pushing through the Sludge.

Self motivation for extended periods of time isn't always easy.  Being self-motivated in a nation where culture moves at a snails pace and there's an established sense of time-- Thai Time can sometimes be a little rough.  Thai time, in an acute sense, is about 15 minutes to half an hour late for everything.  In an obtuse sense, Thai time is weeks and months late.  Basically, I just have to get used to nothing happening when I want it to. So what it comes down to is that I can enjoy the way things are and laugh off the delays and my American way of charging through OR I can allow the sludge of cultural differences take over and leave me incapacitated.

The sludge of doom (as I like to call it) is the sludge that keeps you unproductive.  It causes you to give up before you begin because you perceive that things won't go your way.  Reality is that one must push through the sludge and do things even though they won't go your way... you just HAVE to.  If you don't push through the ickyness no one else will.  This is partly about growing up-- there is no mommy or daddy to fight off the inner demons anymore of self defeat and procrastination.  There is no one behind you telling you that you gotta do your homework.  This is you realizing that pushing through the sludge on your own is good for you.  That when you come out the other side you will be better for it.

So what causes this sludge to occur? Specifically for me, in Thailand it is caused by the mixing of american ideals and thai realities.  You cannot move fast here-- period. Get used to it.  Occasionally you will get home from your run and find the water not working-- deal with it.  Your schedule will rarely stick to its organized state of checks, balances and to do lists-- thats just how it rolls here.  There will always be another layer of a project you didn't forsee, another meeting you must attend, another budget you must find the money for and another concept you didn't want to have to deal with before you can accomplish your goal.  But that doesn't mean the goal won't be accomplished-- it just means it will take a little longer than expected to get there. 

The objective is not to keep pushing through the sludge so that you can get to the other side.  The objective is to enjoy the time in the sludge while you keep pushing through it so that you don't burn out when you get to the other side.  The objective is acceptance. The objective is finding peace even when things aren't going the way you expected.

Oh the things you learn on the way to learning other things. 

The Sounds of A Nation

There are many ways you can feel the differences in a place.  The sights, the smells and the sounds are ever pervading here and differentiate one culture from another. Its true that the sights here are amazingly gorgeous and often sad.  Its true that the smells of the nation are often wonderful and putrid.  But, for me, its the sounds here that fill my soul and remind me how different it really is here.  The sounds here percolate through the smells and sights and hit your heart where it counts-- at the very depth of your soul.

Its the sounds of gongs and twelve foot teak drums at rice festivals in small village towns in the country that speak to my soul-- the sounds of chanting as old as time contrasting against then the sounds of thai music piped from a CD over loud speakers that reverberates in your heart.  The old sounds mixed with the new is everywhere. 

Heading down the walking street market on a Sunday afternoon in Chiang Mai you can hear people setting up their wares and old friends, who have been selling next to each other for years, shout greeting and help each other set up for the night of hawking their wares.  I understand a bit of what they're saying and I hear them saying hello and teasing each other.  The speakers on the street play horrible thai music that is crackly and out of tune and a band of blind musicians play old thai instruments in the middle of the street looking for cash offerings.  The community of sellers, beggers and musicians will be in full swing in just a few hours-- its in the afternoon that I really enjoy the street.  Its uncrowded and the people are in their own element before the foreign tourists come out to play.  I hear one comment about the fat farang as she giggles.. as I'm the only one walking by I assume she's referencing me.  I make no sign that i understand amused by the fact that I know what she's saying.

As I walk to the bus station a couple of white people walk past and I hear them speaking in German, two people behind me chatter in Japanese and the people on my songtow (a red bus like taxi) are speaking in low British accents-- they're pondering where they can pick up some ganja which only surprises me because is 8:30 in the morning.  And as I get off my taxi I hear two people yelling at each other in Thai over the price of flowers from the market and a car honks as my taxi slows to drop me off.  Motorbikes speed past me with little concern and the laughter of the girls working in the shop next to the station hits my ears. The sounds are overwhelming when you're not used to them and comfort when you've been immersed in them for as long as I have.

Waiting at the bus station to head up to Phrao two novice monks talk and laugh quietly.  They eye me warily and continue on... they're speaking in Lanna and while I can't understand the bulk of it I can tell the difference now between Lanna Thai and Middle Thai often spoken in Bangkok and Chiang Mai.  The woman next to me can't be much more than 20 and her little girls who looks about five stands next to her eating noodles and shyly smiles at me.  She comes up to me and asks me my name which I obligingly giver her and ask her hers.  She speaks too softly for me to understand but she giggles and runs away.  The store keeper behind us has her TV on the Thai news which she blasts loudly, the Chinese temple down the street is playing some kind of music with chimes and the flower market is bustling. 

The noise of the city and the country vary considerably but it is consistent in its other worldliness.  They are the kind of sounds that make you turn your head and look to see whats going on.  They are the kind of sounds that now make me feel like I'm home. 

The Joys of Non-Linear Thinking

In many countries the toilet and the shower are the same room and there is little distinction between the two.  I was pleasently surprised that in the house I live in there was a seperation between the two.  However, the old school "self flush" toilet kept clogging (apparently it can't handle american craps) they decided they would add a toilet to the shower room which was a flushing toilet with bigger pipes that would easily handle the "load" so to speak. 

This seemed, at the time, like a splendid idea.  A flushing toilet, a secondary toilet in case and because its normal here to have toilets and showers in the same room- its no biggie.  Now, this would be true if Thailand had a culture of linear thinking... but this is rarely the case.  If one installs a toilet into a shower room you would automatically assume they would thinking about water drainage systems, pipe placement and the amount of room left for showering. You would think... .

After a weekend away in Chiang Mai I came home to a raised platform in our square 6x6 bathroom that took up a good three feet with a lovely toilet right in the middle of it.  This left about one foot in which to shower. The lovely (and albeit aesthetically pleasing) platform now rested atop our drain for the shower.  The people who put it in weren't completely oblivious to the fact that we had a shower in there and water would need to drain so the place a horizontal pipe on the front of platform that connected to the old drain in the back corner. 

The drain... can you see it?!

Oh! There's the drain.

Now, I'm not sure if you guys are aware of how gravity works but a verticle pipe will not drain water unless the water is pushed into it or the water in shower reaches a certain level.  Whats more the drain is slightly raised meaning that when the shower is done there is standing water left in the shower.

In a tropical climate full of mosquitos and mold I can tell you standing water is a very very bad idea.  Had the constructors of such a toilet had thought it through or fully envisioned what a verticle pipe would actually drained or realized that we can't shower in the other room because this is the only shower that has hot water then perhaps we wouldn't be in this situation.   Linear thinking just doesn't happen consistently in this country.  You see it in Thai establishments like hotels and restaurants all the time... they have certain foods on the menu but they don't have the ability to make them when ordered or a room is advertised on the internet and you can even reserve it online but when you get there its a completely different room because the one you reserved hasn't even been built yet.

I've found this predicament and odd one.  There is a lack of linear thinking-- rarely are ideas really formulated from start to finish and done so effectively and if they aren't done effectively there's no one out there to communicate as to why it was done that way.  The joys of living in Thailand.

The Sex Trade: The not so secret side of Thailand

The following blog is intended for mature audiences only.  There are moments of crudeness that may offend some of my readers. Reality is often not a fan of manners. 

I’ve talked about a lot of social issues and problems that face society.  The reality is that there is nothing as blaring and disheartening than the sex trade within in Chiang Mai.  Sex tourism is one of the most affluent trades within the tourism sector.  If one walks down Loi Kroh road in Chiang Mai you see girls dressed in sluttly clothes and high heels waiting at the bar for some rich foreigner to approach them.  Sometime you walk by and you see such a foreigner sitting in the bar with a girl on his lap.  Within Chiang Mai it is everywhere and it is why a culture of forced modesty is so important in the country-side.  Where girls walk in heels and short skirts on Loi Kroh girls in the country will rarely wear anything above the knee and their shoulders are always covered.

It would be easy to look at these women and see them as victims.  Perhaps, many of them are.  The reality though is this twisted sense of mutual extortion.  The men have their money extorted out them for a night of fun.. and more money is extorted if the women can get them to be their “boyfriend”.  While the women’s bodies are extorted in hopes of cashing in big and supporting themselves and their families. 

The oldest profession in the world is one of the most lucrative in Thailand. Were I to choose between poverty and providing food, education and a good life for my family I suppose I’d probably have sex for money too.  And were I an old man who is lonely and in need of companionship that doesn’t take a load of emotional effort I might settle for the a woman who’s relationship to me is contractual based on nothing more than sex and money.  Mutual extortion can suit the needs of a select group in society. But that doesn’t make it acceptable behavior.

The reality though is that such an arrangement means that many women seek out prostitution over education—the money to be had is easier, quicker and steadier in the bars on Loi Kroh than that of an education.  And that’s if they could even afford the education to begin with.  It keeps the women in an uneducated powerless state.  Why improve when there’s no need too? The arrangement means that men who normally might address the emotional issues that come with prostitutes, addiction and family issues at home ignore them completely.  Who needs to care about their emotional well being when there’s a cheap prostitute to suck their dick at night?  This is REALITY.  Why would someone change if they’re made comfortable by the twisted culture?

They wouldn’t change.

There are a few places that are attempting to organize the women and provide them with a sense of stability and safety.  Sex workers unions and things like that are still a world away but a few organizations seek to provide education, health care and options for women who are still actively working in the sex industry.  Does this make it ok? For me, it does not.  Does this ease the destruction and empower the women to do something different if they choose to? Yes it does.  In this small, but growing, sector perhaps the destruction of this society is being eased or even rebuilt. 

Short term satisfaction is the name of the game here.  This contractual mutual extortion happens in many ways and ranges from the “one-night-pay-for-sex” relationships to having thai wives.  Now, that’s not to say that some foreigners who retire here don’t have healthy and good relationships with their wives—they often do.  I find it rare but there are occasions when the men can actually speak thai and have a relationship with their wife that is healthy and good and actually involves real love.  I have several friends who are this way.

But, often, I’ve seen the destruction of this behavior as well.  The women in the bars often speak of finding a foreigner to marry then that will take them out of the scene.  They have enough money to open a shop or a restaurant and they live the good life happily ever after.  Other women who have never worked the bars but live in Chiang Mai seek out such relationships for this exact purpose.  Some of these women are all but slaves to the men the marry for fear the men will leave them and they will be back to where they started.  They WANT to have children with the men in order to “keep” them and they cook, clean and create the perfect household for their man.  In return their man often pays to keep their families afloat or for an education for the younger siblings.  For hill tribe people this can mean a new way of life full of wealth and food and education.

I suppose the reality is that I do hate the sex trade.  I find it morally offensive.  But who am I to judge how man fills his loneliness or how a woman provides for their family? All I can judge is the outcome of such actions and I have seen some benefits but a plethora of negatives consequences to such behaviors.  I acknowledge the frustration the problem and the consequences and then I walk away. As a volunteer in Thailand I know what I can change and what kind of lives I can affect-- this is not my calling and this is not something I can change. I can, however, promote the awareness that such a culture exists.

Rice Festivals and Whiskey

She heard something ringing.  She was groggy and mid-dream.  It seemed too early for the alarm to be going off yet.  She rolled off her hard bed and stumbled over to her cell phone.  It read "PJ" and she grimaced and picked up.

"What?"

"Gooood Morning!"

"Good morning" she grumbled

"Are you ready?!"

"Ready for what.. what the hell time is it anyway?"

"Ready for hilltribe village, I forgot to tell you we're going up there this morning.. leaving by 7:30. Its 6:30 now"

"Jesus PJ... alright, I'll get Divya."

And thus began my morning.  We quickly got ready, grabbed caffeine and awaited the four wheel drive truck that would be our chariot for the day.  The Karen tribe is known for its festivals and today marks the "new rice" festival. I have no idea what that means except people put on their traditional garb and starting drinking rice whiskey at 9 o'clock in the morning.  Funny... but true. 

Shortly after arriving in Bon Lom and receiving a family blessing represented by white string wrapped around our wrists, shots of rice moonshine were passed around.  I, of course, declined but watching Shafer and Divya was a sight to behold.  It was probably the first time in years I wish I could have the experience... I mean seriously, who takes shots of homemade rice whiskey with tribal people in the Northern Mountains of thialand?  Regardless, the moment passed and we continued on our day of food eating and traipsing through the mountains.

Adventures continued with seeing yet another cave temple, bamboo worm eating and meeting a cat who I named some greek name I now can't remember.  The entire excursion took up our Thursday and was highly enjoyable if not slightly uncomfortable because of the mosquito hoard that has been hanging out around this area due to extreme rainfall.  All in all.. not too shabby Thailand. Not too shabby.

Dear Mosquitoes

Dear Thai Monster Awful Mosquitoes,

You are evil. Strait evil.  I do not know why the God of the universe invented you-- it doesn't make sense.  In face, I'm pretty sure mosquitoes were the result of Satan who was allowed to run amuck for a second to long on the face of the earth. You make me hate a place I normally love--

I go for a jog and you don't seem to be there.. and then I stop for two second to breathe or stretch and your attack my legs like a man who hasn't seen bareflesh in years.  Seriously? Why so ravenous? Haven't you enough thai people to suck blood from? Why must you attack me?! The welts you leave on my legs are so large it looks like I have fucking leprosy for heaven's sake! What must I do? You are the scourge of the earth... when the ten plauges came down from heaven i'm pretty sure they didn't mean locust.  I'm pretty sure they meant you bastards. 

And then, I lay down to sleep in seamless exhausted harmony and what do you do?  You attack my arms.  Like my legs weren't good enough for you... you had to have my beautifully tattooed arms as well? Why? WHY?! You are such assholes.  There's no point to it. Why don't YOU go to bed huh? Or better yet why don't you just lay down and die like the putrid bugs that you are! You are worthless pains in my ass.  Your only purpose on the planet is to spread fevers and diseases... how does that MAKE YOU FEEL?!  Does that make you wnat to cry?! Good.  Because every time I wake up covered in your gross welts of inhumanity I want to cry too.  I don't feel bad for you.  Not one bit.  I'm not a real buddhist... I can kill you without feeling bad.

So Mosquitoes... you have been warned of my hatred and disdain.  You have been warned of the shit storm that will rain down on you if you so much as touch me again.  I will get one of those electric fly swatter thingies and I will commit mass murder in the name of comfort and joy and all things sacred.  I will laugh as you fall down dead. I will cackle as your little fragile bodies litter the floor with my revenge. Oh you are warned.. YOU ARE WARNED.

Sincerely,

Hannah

Muay Thai & Meetings

When someone takes you and two of your volunteer friends to a backwoods village in the middle of the north thai mountains and then takes you to a random house with about 8 or 9 teenage boys hanging around who stare at you upon arrival your first thought might be RUN!  I was no different.  It all seemed a bit shady.  Then you walk into the back yard... a mix of mud and scraggly grass and mosquitoes and you see an old punching bag hanging from a metal stand that was probably hung about 30 years ago.  One of the kids pulls out some familiar looking boxing pads and you breathe a slight breath of relief.  MAYBE they won't kill and rape you. 

This is over dramatic but somewhat grounded in reality.  Three american women hanging out with a bunch of guys that could obviously beat the crap out of us isn't the safest place in the world to be... unless they find you humorous.  And this they did.  Our trainer Ton looks to be in his forties (but probably is in his 50's because every thai I know looks about 10 years younger) and he thought us rather humorous as well.  At one point he teamed me up with one of those teenaged boys (who at one point said I was fat and I promptly flipped him off) and then let us go at it.  I had head gear, gloves, and a body sheild-- the kid had gloves... and kept laughing.  Humility, apparently, is necessary when training with 18 year olds who've been training since they could walk.  Ton got a little annoyed when I took a body shot-- apparently this wasn't allowed in this exercise... so he put on the gloves on and had a little fun with me.

Ton has a habit of puffing up his cheeks and making weird faces at his opponents.  It is distracting.  It is done on purpose.  And he was playing with me... the dude could have punched me a thousand times and I missed punching him just as much.  That guy could duck faster that any dude I occasionally was paired up with in the United States.  Regardless it was an adventure, it was fun, and my body is pleasantly sore because of it.  I will be going back today. Um.. and tomorrow.  And probably the next day too.

Note the old man in the background. He came out to watch the crazy American girls.

Today, before Muay Thai can happen, I will be surrounded by the wonders of Thai meetings.  We'll be going to the local village of Hoi Sai to talk to the villagers about their needs.  While most of the teenagers will be hanging out in their local spot I'll have a chance to talk to the parents and grandparents about how many teenagers they have-- to get an idea of the population of kids and how many may or may not need our services.  In the afternoon I'll be stopping by the local police station to suck up and see what services they'll provide (or how much they'll stay away from teenagers while we work with them). 

The teenagers in that area regularly congregate at a covered bus stop about 30 feet in front of the police station.  There both girls and boys (a big no in thai society) hang out together doing all sorts of sordid behavior from drinking and drugs to sexual stuff.  On days when they can't get loaded or they're bored of it they routinely use the police station's soccer feild and basketball court.  This has been going on for years and it stays that way because the parents are tired of dealing with them-- they don't want them in the village to begin with.  SO. My job is to get the police to let US use their courts and fields when we run our program since the same kids we'll be helping are using them already ANYWAY.  In order for them not to mess with the kids while they're in the program we'll throw them a huge BBQ with lots of whiskey and karaoke.

Is this a bribe?  Perhaps. But I'd like to refer to it more as a lovely gesture of our appreciation of their support of our program.  Welcome to the world of Thai politics ladies and gentlemen.  The best way to get things done in this country is through meat and whiskey and lots of it. Obviously.

Keep in mind that this is Thailand.  All of these meetings might happen.  But its possible that none of it will happen too.  Its possible all of it will happen and a few meetings will be squished in with it as well and its possible I won't even leave the office today.  I have learned the exercise of patience when it comes to meetings.  This is progress.