Writing.

I have several personal goals I'd like to achieve while in Thailand. I'm applying to dual programs in Law and Theology.  I'm taking the LSAT. I'm writing my book. I'm doing step work. Etc Etc.

Goals are great. I often set them high to stretch myself.  My book is probably the most stretching I've done in a very long time.  I'm writing my life story in non-linear form.  I'm off to a pretty good start but I've found it incredibly emotionally taxing.  Bringing up the past and dredging up the emotions from my addiction and putting them on paper is one thing.  Doing this while not surrounded by an epic support system that I had back in Philly is quite another.  It brings up bad dreams, old feelings and the past judgements I placed on myself.

When writing the book I've realized that it is no longer about seeking forgiveness of those I've hurt-- I've done that already. It is now about actively seeking amends from myself.  How much pain did I put myself through? How much pain did I put others through.  Writing about the past in story form, I can easily see how self-centered and animal-like I had become.  I wasn't living much of the time-- I was surviving.  It wasn't pretty.  It wasn't attractive.

I've also realized in this project that I am no longer that person.  I am a world away from who that girl was-- literally and figuratively.  I now have the perspective to see what I was and what, if I allow it to happen, I could be again if I'm not careful.  So I plunge ahead despite the painful reminders.  My greatest gift I have to offer is the gift that perspective gave me.  To keep it from the world is to selfishly keep it to myself. 

Beyond that I have my first law school interview with Vanderbilt tomorrow night via skype. I've finished three out of four applications and I'm finding out who I want to be when I grow up. Kinda. More will be revealed.