I rarely get theological on this blog. My readers vary from the deeply spiritual and religious to the strictly atheist. But the reality for me is that my life is centered around finding God's will in my life. I've found that my will gets me in trouble but when I'm looking for God's will I end up doing awesome things (like spending a year in thailand). I also had the realization that if I'm looking for God's will in my life then saving/changing the world is not required of me. All thats required of me is finding my God's will for me in my life... the reality however is that God's will might have me changing or saving the world. God's will might also have me settling down as a cute little minister in a cute little church with a cute man with cute little kids. The possibilities are endless. And for my atheist readers out there-- feel free to skip this one.
But being a demi-god is rather appealing. Who wouldn't want to be like Hercules? He was able to lift some really big stuff and do some pretty amazing things. And I happen to be the kind of woman that wants nothing less then to do some pretty amazing things. I feel the need to save the world. The thought "if no one else is going to do it then I might as well" goes through my head on a pretty consistent basis. I have big timers to back me up. Like Gandhi who said "Be the chance you want to see in the world" or Jesus who said "Sell all your crap and follow me". Selling my stuff and moving to Thailand to be the change I wanted to see seemed like normal operating procedure. I mean, who wouldn't do it? A lot of people apparently.
Getting to Thailand though one can see how difficult it can be to make waves in the world. Here it's difficult and a long term process to make waves in a community. The challenge of changing the world seems overwhelming when the challenge of creating change in a small community seems next to impossible. This is why a lot of people don't sell their stuff and move to a foreign country. But this is exactly the reason why I would. Besides, I've never been good at staying still long. The question I often ask myself is "Would I be content with anything less than attempting to change the world?". Its a question I don't actually know the answer to.
So what the hell is this blog about anyway? It's about the ever impending crisis of what I'll do next with my life. I'm exploring the possibility of a joint degree in law and theology. The thought of being an ordained attorney is one that entertains me on many levels. It would also give me the platform I'd need to go into non-profit law or politics. But I've already been accepted into several wonderful Theological schools that would allow me ordination and perhaps also allow me a social life. Which way do I go? And then there's that ever quiet part of me that longs to stay still. In many ways I've found that home is where my heart is and my heart is contentedly hanging out in Thailand for the moment. How long with that contentedness last though? I've no idea.
The question I ask myself is: What are my motives? If my motives are all about "look at me and what I can do" then we have a problem and the resentments I'd cop against myself would be problematic. IF my motives, regardless of what I do, are about "Who can I help and what am I really capable of" then perhaps I'm more on the right track. If a friend of mine was in this situation I would tell them to pray about it. The 12-steps always seem to have an answer to these problems... the third step prayer states, "God take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery and show me how to live." And perhaps this is where I'm at. I don't want to change the world unless God is behind that plan... otherwise I'm in a world of hurt.
I realize some people are thinking that I can't just decide to change the world and do it. On that note I completely disagree. Some of you are thinking that I'm crazy for basing my next move on a relationship with some divine being in the sky. Its cool you think that-- I'll put a good word in for you with the Big Guy upstairs. Either way, I've got some time to make that decision though. So I'm taking it. I breathe, I laugh off the latest Thai Government meeting and get to work.
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