Floods in Thailand

The flood have reached epic proportions.  I am not using the word "epic" in a cool hip fashion. I seriously mean they are epic.  The buses from Phrao to Chiang Mai were cancelled this morning due to flash floods.  By 12:30 the buses were finally back and running but the sights down the mountain road were sobering.  Apparently I do not handle the sight of destruction very well.  Powerlessness is not a fun thing to realize when people around you are in so much pain.

Several time on the way down creeks turned rivers flowed over the road. Homes were flooded three and four feet high in places. Entire families waded in knee high water trying to salvage belongings. People who already have so little have lost even more.  The death toll from flash floods is now almost 200.  Roads, in places, are completely impassible and rice paddies-- the crux of economic stability in the North are completely flooded out in areas turning low lying spaces into mammoth lakes.

The military was out enforce while I was being bussed to Chiang Mai. Pontoon boats could be seen picking up the elderly who were stuck in their homes.  They were digging in and scraping mud off bridges as the water receded temporarily.  People everywhere were on the roads with rolled up pants-- military personnel were handing out bottled water and rice.

Taken from the 17th floor of the Royal Lana

As I arrived in Chiang Mai the Ping River was incredibly swollen.  As we crossed the Nowarat Bridge you could see it was only a foot or two from cresting.  It was about an hour after I crossed when the river finally crested and flooded nearby streets.  Chiang Mai's night bazaar, pictured here, is flooded and the waters are continuing to rise tonight.

A few of my friends are stuck in the buildings until the water recedes. Thankfully most of them had notice that the river would crest and were able to either leave or get supplies before they were locked in.

They'll be there until at least Friday more than likely and getting basic services to those in need is next to impossible right now.

The rain is continuing to fall off and on tonight and flooding will continue until the rain and waters recede. 

I'm asking people to keep the people affected in your prayers and thoughts. Tomorrow I make a journey into Burma to have my visa renewed. The roads aren't the best right now but they are passable.

There's something to be said about being prepared-- I booked this trip a few days ahead of my visa running out. If for any reason it must be canceled I have a few days leeway in order to make my crossing. 

Thank you for your support, love and prayers.

Writing.

I have several personal goals I'd like to achieve while in Thailand. I'm applying to dual programs in Law and Theology.  I'm taking the LSAT. I'm writing my book. I'm doing step work. Etc Etc.

Goals are great. I often set them high to stretch myself.  My book is probably the most stretching I've done in a very long time.  I'm writing my life story in non-linear form.  I'm off to a pretty good start but I've found it incredibly emotionally taxing.  Bringing up the past and dredging up the emotions from my addiction and putting them on paper is one thing.  Doing this while not surrounded by an epic support system that I had back in Philly is quite another.  It brings up bad dreams, old feelings and the past judgements I placed on myself.

When writing the book I've realized that it is no longer about seeking forgiveness of those I've hurt-- I've done that already. It is now about actively seeking amends from myself.  How much pain did I put myself through? How much pain did I put others through.  Writing about the past in story form, I can easily see how self-centered and animal-like I had become.  I wasn't living much of the time-- I was surviving.  It wasn't pretty.  It wasn't attractive.

I've also realized in this project that I am no longer that person.  I am a world away from who that girl was-- literally and figuratively.  I now have the perspective to see what I was and what, if I allow it to happen, I could be again if I'm not careful.  So I plunge ahead despite the painful reminders.  My greatest gift I have to offer is the gift that perspective gave me.  To keep it from the world is to selfishly keep it to myself. 

Beyond that I have my first law school interview with Vanderbilt tomorrow night via skype. I've finished three out of four applications and I'm finding out who I want to be when I grow up. Kinda. More will be revealed.

America Needs to Get Some: Why Perspective Matters

I don’t like many Americans.  That is not to say that I don’t love them in epic fashion.  But I can love you without liking you. I’m actually pretty good at it.  My reasons for dislike stem directly from sayings like, “God bless America”.  Such things get under my skin.  The excess and first world problems of American society frustrate me. 

I realize that pain is about perspective.  When, as a person, you only experience the problems that come with excess and wealth its difficult to see why only being a one-car family isn’t that big of deal in the grand scheme of life.  I get that not being comfortable is hard and having less than what you’re used to is no picnic.  I’m not saying the emotions, frustrations and annoyances with the current state in America aren’t valid. I’m not even saying that people aren’t going through difficult and emotional times.  But what I’m saying is, if pain is about perspective maybe its time that we got some.  I include myself in this because my American first world problems spill over into my third world surroundings constantly.  I’m not perfect in this.

I’m writing this while complaining about the fact that I miss soft over stuffed couches. I ain’t perfect.  I’m going to say it again. I’m not perfect in this.  I’m flawed and American and used to excess. This entry is a reminder to myself as much as it is a reminder to those back home that when we ask God to bless American we have often forgotten that we were blessed over and over and over again a long fucking time ago and taking those blessings for granted is, in my perspective, why we are in the “crisis” we are in right now.  This is not a punishment from the Lord. Nay, this is simply a direct result of our own actions.

Regardless, this is why “God Bless America” annoys me. Seriously Americans, what else do we need? We have food on our tables, roofs over our heads and cars in the parking lot.  Some of us have lost our homes to foreclosure- but I don’t know a single family that is on the streets (though to be sure there are some).  Some of us have filed bankruptcy- but not one of you is in jail for not paying debts and not one of my friends has ended up with broken kneecaps for not paying their lender.  Some of us had to humble ourselves and move in with parents and relatives, others had to go back to school, drop out of school and do incredible amounts of work to get by. But still, you eat three times a day, have your air conditioning, your car and your clothes. I’m guessing if you’re reading this you have more than one pair of shoes. 

What’s more, you have your refrigerator, your tv, your computer to read this blog and you have your running drinkable water, you have food. And if you do lose your job you have some of the best services in the world.  The poor on the street of NYC have more services and programs available to them in any third world country.  Where children die of starvation and disease in Africa your children get free education and, in most states, access to health care and insurance.  Where I complain of a lack of comfortable seating for my ass my friends in Phrao down the street crap in a hole in the ground and three person family lives on $45.00 a month. Who am I to complain about a lack of snuggles, skittles and movie going experiences? Seriously, who do I think I am? 

I know what I complain about and need to address those issues. So I ask you my friends, what are you complaining about?  You don’t have a job but you have running drinkable water. You don’t have the money to afford a second car but you have one that’s running but children die on disease half a world a way.  Your education system is stretched but you have FREE education.  You moan about the lack of excess in your nation begging God to bless you again— perhaps the reality is that you’re sitting right in the middle of the blessing to begin with.  Perhaps the reality is that the blessing you’re getting with your seeming hardship is the perspective I’m talking about.  Perspective can be a blessing.

You’ve asked God to bless you. So I’m challenging you to see the blessing that is already present.  God didn’t leave you, He didn’t forsake you and he didn’t leave you alone for one minute, second or day. Perhaps the prayer shouldn’t be “God bless America” perhaps the prayer could be “God help America see the blessing”.

The blessing isn’t always getting what we want when we want it. The blessing isn’t always comfortable.  The times when the blessing IS manna falling from heaven we abuse it just like the Jews did in the Old Testament.  Quite frankly, I’m not a fan of looking an ultimate divine being in the face and telling him that what he has given me isn’t good enough.  Are you?  What I’m saying is that the blessing is often the learning experience we need to be joyful and content with all that we have. At least, that is exactly what the blessing has been for me.

I don't do Nature.

I hate cliches. I use them all the time. Home is where the heart is. Annoying. True.

In the last few weeks I've finished up a lot of grad school applications that ask "permanent address" it makes me laugh.  Seriously? I haven't had a permanent address beyond my college address since 2008.  Before that I moved every six months.  I counted once-- I've lived in 26 houses in 27 years.  So when any application asks me what my permanent address is I laugh.  When someone asks me where "I'm from" I usually respond with "Well, thats a long story. I mean.. I was born in Texas.. is that what you mean?" 

There are a lot of preacher's kids and army brats out there that can relate.  I'm a nomad and always have been.  I think about settling down somewhere and I get a little anxious.  I'm not sure how to sit still and I'm not quite sure if I want to yet.

When it comes to Thailand home is, for me, not comfortable.  But that doesn't make it any less home.  In my house we have an air conditioner we don't use because its effin' expensive. Its hot, humid and lovely.  The "kitchen" is a room at the back of the house with a fridge, a shelf, dishes and a wooden table like thing that has a burner on it and a wall that leaks every time it rains. Thats it. Long gone are the days of mad baking or extensive kitchen space. I'm learning to cook on a whole different level.  Now, you should be asking yourself, what about the kitchen sink?!  And I would reply "oh, well, thats outside the back door."  Thats right ladies and gentleman the sink is outside. 

Now I want to clarify for a moment that by Thai standards my house is absolutely wonderful and beautifully tiled.  Reality is that I love it immensly.  I like having my own space out in the country far and away from the city life of chiang mai. Whenever I go into the city for the weekend and have my air conditioning, american food and night life I'm still ready to be back in Phrao by Sunday night.  This does not mean Phrao is comfortable but its getting more comfortable by the day.

So let me explain why the outside sink is so pivotal in my life.  I regularly proclaim that "I don't do nature."  This is an absolutely true statement.  I don't like the great outdoors for any extended period of time.  I don't like hiking. Camping or "roughing it" doesn't make any sense to me.  Being uncomfortable for no reason beyond "enjoying it" doesn't compute with this Pastor's Kid who was raised in middle suburbia.  So living in a home in north thailand where I must constantly fight back the ants, wash my dishes in the heat outside where I now gingerly move the snails so they don't die and continuously must wash away the algea is a bit abnormal. But the sink is pivotal.

You see, being uncomfortable may not make sense to me but being uncomfortable so that i have an opportunity to help other people is completely acceptable and even enjoyable.  I'm going to say it again that the sink is pivotal.  When I first got to thailand I would go out to the sink to wash things and run inside squealing because of a new bug infestation or I'd wash all the dishes except for the cups that had snails crawling in them.  Etc etc etc.  Now, here almost three months (which is crazy to me) I've become semi-pro at doing the dishes outside.  I swat off the ginormous black ants without a second thought, I gingerly but gently detach snails from cups and bowls and place them on the ground where they can run free and i routinely have a conversation with the geckos on the wall in front of me.  I sweat like a cow in heat, get the dishes done and then lay down in my overheated room while eating frosted flakes.  Lovely, just lovely.

Nothing about Thailand has changed since I arrived.  The bugs are just as bad, the heat is still pretty pervasive and the mosquitoes have not stopped biting.  My uncomfortability with the nature around me however has begun to dissipate.  After all, this isn't nature, this is my home and my heart is right here in the middle of it all.

I'm not Hercules... But I want to be.

I rarely get theological on this blog.  My readers vary from the deeply spiritual and religious to the strictly atheist.  But the reality for me is that my life is centered around finding God's will in my life.  I've found that my will gets me in trouble but when I'm looking for God's will I end up doing awesome things (like spending a year in thailand).  I also had the realization that if I'm looking for God's will in my life then saving/changing the world is not required of me.  All thats required of me is finding my God's will for me in my life... the reality however is that God's will might have me changing or saving the world. God's will might also have me settling down as a cute little minister in a cute little church with a cute man with cute little kids.  The possibilities are endless.  And for my atheist readers out there-- feel free to skip this one.

But being a demi-god is rather appealing.  Who wouldn't want to be like Hercules? He was able to lift some really big stuff and do some pretty amazing things. And I happen to be the kind of woman that wants nothing less then to do some pretty amazing things.  I feel the need to save the world.  The thought "if no one else is going to do it then I might as well" goes through my head on a pretty consistent basis.  I have big timers to back me up. Like Gandhi who said "Be the chance you want to see in the world" or Jesus who said "Sell all your crap and follow me".  Selling my stuff and moving to Thailand to be the change I wanted to see seemed like normal operating procedure.  I mean, who wouldn't do it? A lot of people apparently.   

Getting to Thailand though one can see how difficult it can be to make waves in the world.  Here it's difficult and a long term process to make waves in a community.  The challenge of changing the world seems overwhelming when the challenge of creating change in a small community seems next to impossible.  This is why a lot of people don't sell their stuff and move to a foreign country.  But this is exactly the reason why I would. Besides, I've never been good at staying still long.  The question I often ask myself is "Would I be content with anything less than attempting to change the world?".  Its a question I don't actually know the answer to.

So what the hell is this blog about anyway?  It's about the ever impending crisis of what I'll do next with my life.  I'm exploring the possibility of a joint degree in law and theology.  The thought of being an ordained attorney is one that entertains me on many levels.  It would also give me the platform I'd need to go into non-profit law or politics.  But I've already been accepted into several wonderful Theological schools that would allow me ordination and perhaps also allow me a social life.  Which way do I go? And then there's that ever quiet part of me that longs to stay still. In many ways I've found that home is where my heart is and my heart is contentedly hanging out in Thailand for the moment.  How long with that contentedness last though? I've no idea.

The question I ask myself is: What are my motives?  If my motives are all about "look at me and what I can do" then we have a problem and the resentments I'd cop against myself would be problematic.  IF my motives, regardless of what I do, are about "Who can I help and what am I really capable of" then perhaps I'm more on the right track.  If a friend of mine was in this situation I would tell them to pray about it.  The 12-steps always seem to have an answer to these problems... the third step prayer states, "God take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery and show me how to live." And perhaps this is where I'm at.  I don't want to change the world unless God is behind that plan... otherwise I'm in a world of hurt.

I realize some people are thinking that I can't just decide to change the world and do it.  On that note I completely disagree. Some of you are thinking that I'm crazy for basing my next move on a relationship with some divine being in the sky. Its cool you think that-- I'll put a good word in for you with the Big Guy upstairs. Either way, I've got some time to make that decision though.  So I'm taking it.  I breathe, I laugh off the latest Thai Government meeting and get to work.

With Our Powers Combined: Sustainable Tourism at its Best

I live in a third world country.  A developing third world country but a third world country nonetheless.  In such a nation where those in the city live a life of relative splendor and the farmers in the mountains make less than fifty cents a day its easy to see the stark contrasts.  The thin veil of modernity and resources recedes just a few moments drive outside of Chiang Mai.  Life is a different world in the mountains.  In these mountains we attempt to create change on a smaller scale.

The majority of my trip is based on creating a youth program. You've been hearing all about that for the last few months.  Yet, there's another project I've been hoping to accomplish with my sidekick Divya. Together, with our powers combined, we're attempting to create sustainable, responsible tourism in the Phrao district. It is no simple task.

This tourism will provide a boost in the economy in the area (for example, they have over a hundred rooms for rent in Phrao every day and they have about 10 tourists every year).  It will provide sustainable income for Warm Heart (something every NGO should have). It will promote awareness of the realities of Thailand-- something few tourists actually see. And it will provide a responsible boost in the economy of the Tribal villages yet our tourist cap will prevent locals and tribes people becoming dependent on the tourists-- something that has not been done in the past (in places like Chiang Mai and Pai) and it has depleted both cultural impact and has ruined the traditions of the tribes. 

Balancing all these goals and missions while creating something viable and meaningful to the tourist who's interested in the work of NGO's like ours is no easy task.  The first package we've created focuses on Warm Heart and their initiatives, local features (amazing waterfalls, ancient temples and sugar factories and bamboo furniture) and a visit with the local tribes.  It is geared to the kind of person who's looking to see how life really is in rural Thailand and is interested in the work that goes into helping people help themselves. 

The great thing is that there is a lot of awesome cool untouched attractions in Phrao-- a lot of rice not so many tourists.  The problem is that we're creating this package in a third world country that pretends to be something else.  Finding waterfalls, getting quotes and developing business contracts with local hotels and business men isn't easy. 

It is the reminder that no one said this trip would be easy.  And its not like its some melodramatic issue but what it does mean is that it takes consistent forward movement.  To stop or slow down means losing ground and footing.  This is not hard but it is relatively exhausting. This is the sludge I was talking about in the last entry-- fighting the sludge and continuing forward despite the exhaustion is possible. Its always possible. 

So the things to work on are: business contracts (or maybe in the region of the world contracts aren't so necessary but some kind of agreement will be necessary).  We'll need to meet with tribal headmen and talk about costs and dates.  We need to build a marketing strategy and figure out a cheap easy way to get the word out about our sustainable and responsible awesome tours. We need a website. We need to create a sustainable way that Warm Heart tours can operate after Divya and I leave.  There's a host of things that need to be done....

So if you're out there in internet land and you're thinking.. hey.. I'm good at some of those things on that to do list.. I can help with that! Then hit me up and let me know. We're always looking for people who have good ideas and better motivation.  Besides, Divya and I got mad superhero powers but with our powers and yours combined... it will be epic!

Pushing through the Sludge.

Self motivation for extended periods of time isn't always easy.  Being self-motivated in a nation where culture moves at a snails pace and there's an established sense of time-- Thai Time can sometimes be a little rough.  Thai time, in an acute sense, is about 15 minutes to half an hour late for everything.  In an obtuse sense, Thai time is weeks and months late.  Basically, I just have to get used to nothing happening when I want it to. So what it comes down to is that I can enjoy the way things are and laugh off the delays and my American way of charging through OR I can allow the sludge of cultural differences take over and leave me incapacitated.

The sludge of doom (as I like to call it) is the sludge that keeps you unproductive.  It causes you to give up before you begin because you perceive that things won't go your way.  Reality is that one must push through the sludge and do things even though they won't go your way... you just HAVE to.  If you don't push through the ickyness no one else will.  This is partly about growing up-- there is no mommy or daddy to fight off the inner demons anymore of self defeat and procrastination.  There is no one behind you telling you that you gotta do your homework.  This is you realizing that pushing through the sludge on your own is good for you.  That when you come out the other side you will be better for it.

So what causes this sludge to occur? Specifically for me, in Thailand it is caused by the mixing of american ideals and thai realities.  You cannot move fast here-- period. Get used to it.  Occasionally you will get home from your run and find the water not working-- deal with it.  Your schedule will rarely stick to its organized state of checks, balances and to do lists-- thats just how it rolls here.  There will always be another layer of a project you didn't forsee, another meeting you must attend, another budget you must find the money for and another concept you didn't want to have to deal with before you can accomplish your goal.  But that doesn't mean the goal won't be accomplished-- it just means it will take a little longer than expected to get there. 

The objective is not to keep pushing through the sludge so that you can get to the other side.  The objective is to enjoy the time in the sludge while you keep pushing through it so that you don't burn out when you get to the other side.  The objective is acceptance. The objective is finding peace even when things aren't going the way you expected.

Oh the things you learn on the way to learning other things.