The Evolution of a Dream

I have a vast network of people in my life.  They range from felons to virgins, deeply devout to strong atheist, from LA to Philly to Scotland and Thailand.  I'm the kind of girl that needs a vast network and people who's brains I like to pick and who's understanding I often need to gain some perspective on my life. 

Anger can be quite destructive.  And yet, for this little five foot three inch girl, I happen to hang on to a lot of anger. Its comfortable for me and often extremely difficult to let it go.  The times when I've let it go the most is when I found a purpose to funnel my anger through.

When I was in college, for example, two of my friends passed away. One from an accidental overdose and another from suicide.  After much frustration with a lack of resources I focused my senior project on the problem and developed several programs that sought to bring awareness to mental health. The Peer Listener program was born and a chapter of Active Minds was formed.  It took insane amounts of work and there were many times that I forgot what sleep was but it didn't matter. I loved what I was doing.  When I love what I do my energy knows no bounds.

So within my vast network I skyped my favorite Irish atheist med student who I met in Thailand to vent about my current state of affairs. Frustrated and angry and in emotional pain and stressed from work I was in a state of annoyance.  After talking for a while I finally confided in her that one of the things David had wanted to do was go on a cross-country road trip to visit friend ending in an epic flight to Hawaii. A lack of funds and time prevented the dream from becoming reality.  Even if there had been time the funds weren't there and very few (if any) foundations focus on making the dreams of a 20-something cancer patient a reality.  

With all that frustration off my chest I could finally see a bit more clearly. The realization struck me that if I could start several programs within a few months in the midst of my senior year in college and then raise funds and plan a trip to Thailand and work with a non-profit there and THEN return to the states and scream at doctors then perhaps starting a non-profit isn't such a hard task after all.

So the brainstorming has begun and an email has been sent to some friends who might offer some direction.  But the idea right now is as such: A non-profit who's mission is to grant wishes to people who suffer from cancer or other life threatening diseases.  The wish granting will focus on, not only the patient, but the patient's sibling(s) as well.  Dreams can range from skydiving to road trips to Disneyland and anything else they can come up with. 

In short, The purpose is to grant meaningful wishes that can aid in the development of relationships between those who are ill and their siblings or close family members.

That's MY dream now.  As I begin the development stages of my new project and purpose I'll keep everyone up to speed.  More will most definitely be revealed.

You Are Free

I guess sometimes we just have to breathe. Breathing is pretty important. These seem to be silly statements at first glance. But how often do I forget to breathe? How often do I find myself holding my breath while waiting for some emotion or frustration to pass? How often do I start breathing too fast to the point I hyperventilate because of anger or frustration? It happens consistently that I forget to do the main form of life sustaining movement-- breath. 


There's something distinctly unique about taking in a breath and feeling the air entering your lungs until they feel full and the breathing out again until they feel depleted.  Being in that moment of breath takes away the momentary emotion that I hold my breath for. It makes it impossible to hyperventilate. When I concentrate on nothing but the breath I allow for a pause to happen in the midst of emotion.  Focusing on that breath  allows me to have a break from the insanity that enters my head.  It offers me momentary relief. 


Sometimes that momentary relief is all that I need to gain my footing back in the real world and realize that my emotions aren't based in fact.  Other times it only serves as a moment of peace before I slip back into the world of emotional irregularity. Regardless of what that focus on the breath gives me, be it a moment of peace or the footing I need, I am contented in realizing that I am able to gain mini-vacations from my insanity just by breathing.


Take a breath in through your nose. Notice the air and how it feels as you inhale. Is the air warm? Cold? Does it have an odors or smell?  How does it feel as it expands in your lungs? Feel the expansion of your rib cage and notice how your body responds to air.  How do you lungs feel as they're filled with the air around you?  As you begin to breathe out feel your body pressing the air out.  As your body retracts into itself, pushing out the air, feel the warmth of the breath as it leaves your nostrils. And in that moment... in this moment you are free.

Today I Grieve... Tomorrow I Save the World

The acute pain of the last week has abated.  The memory of being knocked over with grief and sobs seems to be a montage of faded pictures in the back of my mind. Regardless I still occasionally can barely keep it together some days.  The weight of melancholy has me moving slightly slower, laughing a little lower and finding motivation a little weaker.  I will mourn today and maybe tomorrow but eventually I will wake up and realize that I still want to save the world.  With what I know about me it will more than likely happen eventually, slightly more delayed perhaps, but I suppose saving the world isn’t a race. Saving the world is a process that begins with me.

I’ve thought about changing the name of my blog.  I’ve thought about it a hundred times since October. I’ve thought about letting it die a slow death and forgetting it all ever happened.  The internet is good at losing the thoughts of many a talented writer—why should I be any different?  But what was once a title of a physical location has become a title of emotional proportion. I may not be in Thailand any longer but I am still very much in foreign territory.  I am very much still finding my way home and learning ways to live. At times, I still feel very much alone in what seems an incredibly hostile place.

My heart longs to scream and wail in the midst of it.  The anger courses through my veins like so many destructive substances that I once put in my body.  But I realize the feelings of being isolated and alone are not based in fact.  I hold to the truth that my anger will not kill me like those substances once came very close to doing.  I hold to the belief that my longing screams will fade into a montage of past memories playing on the back burner of my mind.  And I will rise again. I must. I will not be held down by my grief.  I will push forward and with the support of all that is holy and good and true I will dwell again with the angels of mercy and peace.

Hope is not a feeling though it can be felt. Hope is a reality that can be felt when acceptance and awareness are fully actualized.  I do not feel hope today—I would be lying if I said I did. Regardless of whether I feel it or not I accept that it is present. I accept that it is there.  I accept that I am, in my very existence on the planet, the very tangible existence of hope. I should have been dead years ago and now having the opportunity to outlive both of my older brothers I take the gift of life with all the respect and reverence I can muster.  I will live fully and without fear.  I will live hard.  I will do and be and accomplish more than I thought was possible before. 

This whole process begins with finding a way to get the dryer fixed, making sure the dishes are done and that I make time to actually go to the bathroom.  I suppose Jesus, Muhammad and Buddha had to take craps and wash the dishes once in awhile too. Even the fathers of religion were human.  And in my humanity I realize what can be done. Today I grieve… tomorrow I change the world. 

Things You Learn on the Way to Learning Other Things

I heard on a tv show once that you should be able to look back on your life and it look like a well pieced together novel with twists and turns and circumstances that could only have happened if someone wrote about them.  If it was on tv it must be true. Right? Well ok, perhaps not but I think there's something to this.  I look back at my life and it doesn't look like a novel as much as a really twisted soap opera with lots of illegal substances, cancer, murder and mayhem.  Either way each segment of my life and the learning I received from it added layers to the next.

For example. My time at Bryn Athyn College taught me how to be incredibly organized and self-motivating. Those skills translated into my senior year where I rarely had a moment to breathe and had to schedule in "friend" time weeks in advance.  How often did India, Chloe or Tungsty stop by at my makeshift office on the couch between Pen Hall and Brickman only to be dismissed or spoken to briefly before my head was buried back in to New Testament Greek or my Senior Paper? That year taught me how to keep friendships whilst being completely and utterly distracted.  It taught me how to be a good friend despite my own "stuff".  I learned how to be effective for the people I was working for and still be present for others even if it meant only five minutes of conversation or being penciled in weeks ahead of time.

This had meant that since being back in GA I've had the amazing ability to be highly organized with my brother's medical records, be at the hospital sometimes for 6-10 hours a day or be with Dave for that long doing appointments, hit a meeting about 5 times a week, meet with my new sponsor, half-ass look for a job, apply to law school and enter into a new relationship ALL without freaking out too much. And this is ONLY because of the insanity I also endured last year at BAC.  I learned how to manage stress and cope with trauma while being incredibly busy and completely insane.

The same goes for Thailand.  The reality is that I am a woman who longs for consistency. I like a schedule and a structure and an idea of whats expected of me on a daily basis ahead of time so I can prepare.  In thailand I never had consistency, had no idea what was expected of me and the only thing I could prepare for was the reality if I didn't braid my hair it would be in knots due to riding my motorbike around.  My schedule changed day to day and sometimes hour to hour.  A day at the office could easily turn into a tour up into the mountains for a rice festival or seeing Yuy dance at a local temple.  Adventures in the hills would change into long meetings at the Amphoe (local governemtn building) that I could neither understand nor care about.  This state of change was incredibly difficult for a woman like me who likes to have a highly organized structured schedule and likes to get amazing amounts of work done.

The Thai's laugh at calendars. They always run late. There is no set schedule even for the public school system and changing it up and doing things different is just how they do.  I learned very quickly to be content with the unknown insanity or be frustrated and annoyed all the time.  And let me tell you, that lesson has translated into my present state a hundred times over.  Every day changes with David from what he needs to whats really wrong to what kinds of treatments he'll need.  We go from thinking we're starting treatment to needing more tumor removed. At home and mostly mobile to rushing to the ER because of increased paralysis. I go from a leisurely meeting with my sponsor to rushing home when he's in a panic. Consistency is a joke. I'm only ok with it because of the months of learning and understanding a different way of life just before coming back.  Had I not learned the lesson of "going with the flow" I'd be an insane wreck right now.

Life's lessons aren't always easy. Expanding boundaries and learning new ways to live is often uncomfortable an annoying but my reality is that it was those times of uncomfortability and frustration that have allowed me to be exactly what I need to be in this moment. My higher power is at work and has been since the beginning. I'm in awe of the masterpiece and my ability to be woven into the tapestry of such elegant design. 

On a David update note: he's more awake and aware this morning. He's talking about video game remakes and his intense desire for bacon. We'll watch the Price is Right soon and make fun of the contestants for old times sake. He's healing well and will be going for an MRI sometime today to check on the healing process and ensure that the doctor was able to get everything they could this time around.

Today I'm grateful for my uncomfortability and my growing experiences. I'm really thankful that I was able to learn things on the way to learning other things.

The Surgery in a Nut Shell

There are moments in life when accepting reality and being ok with the reality that we're given is quite difficult.  Yesterday, I suppose, was no different.  The surgery on David was long, arduous and the waiting was scary.  For just over four hours yesterday we waited for the surgeon to come out and tell us what was going on.  The actual surgery took about three hours and 15 minutes. 

What the doctor said was both good and horrifying in many ways. The good side is that they did remove around 80-90% of the tumor. A huge victory if further treatment has a chance of working.  The parts left behind were those that had spread into the spinal column.  The doctor stated if he removed those sections it would do more harm than good-- in that, he could permanently disable David.  The part I had not fully realized is that while taking out that tumor the doctor also had to remove parts of David's cerebellum.  In order to remove the tumor effectively parts of David's brain had to come out as well.

Don't freak out.

The good news again is that the tumor was in david's cerebellum.  The human brain is an amazing thing and this part of the brain in particular is good at making comebacks.  No, the brain won't regrow the cerebellum but yes the left side that was left untouched will slowly begin to compensate for the things taken out.  Things like mobility and fine motor skills, which David will be missing now when he wakes up and is active again, will come back.  They will begin to regrow and relearn- but it will take time.  Weeks and maybe even months will pass before these skills will start to come back.  And there is a good chance that he won't have all the mobility he had before, which is hard but I suppose its better than being dead.

Its a scary thing to hear a doctor tell you he's taken out part of your brother's brain.  But the small victory is that had the tumor been in any other part of the brain it might have been inoperable. Or if they had operated we might have lost what makes David, David.  We haven't lost any emotions, moods or personality.  He will be the same asshole brother he's always been.  Slightly less mobile maybe but still the same amount of ass. 

I'm at the hospital this morning and he's still groggy and in pain. The meds they have him on are keeping him drowsy and out of it.  We'll know how much mobility he still has in the next few days as he gains his strength and recovers.  He's still able to move all his limbs, squeeze hands when commanded and tell people "to leave me alone I'm trying to sleep". A good sign indeed.

As for me, I'm still in shock and processing the amazing amount of emotions I've had in the last few days.  No easy feat.  But this will pass and when it does more will be revealed.

What Tomorrow Brings

Tomorrow is major brain surgery to remove the 1 by 2 inch tumor still hanging out in David's head.  I suppose I'm a little nervous. Two major brain surgeries in just over a month is no joke. The increased paralysis, slurred speech and frustration over the last few days have only increased our anxiety.  Emotional exhaustion is ever present.

When the world seems heavy its always best for me to look at the lighter parts of my reality.  Had I chosen to attend grad school this year instead of Thailand I'd be trying to figure out if I'd be dropping out of school to be with my family or staying despite the problems at home. I'm grateful I don't have to make that decision and I'm grateful I don't have to start over.  The years of visiting GA while in Philadelphia means that I have two amazing networks of people in both states who care about me very much.  It has meant that growing roots in Gainesville has been beyond easy. I've been able to start a relationship despite my pain and am enjoying that immensely. 

Regardless of the lighter side of life this process is far from easy.  The fear is often present.  But I realize that despite the ever present fear and the ongoing process that I am not alone. Far from alone.  There is some sort of peace in this.

Tomorrow the surgery starts at 11am at Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta.  David and I will make the trek down to the hospital tonight to avoid morning traffic. We have to check in by 7:45 for a fancy stealth MRI that will aid in the surgical procedure.  We'll be staying in hotel like rooms that the hospital provides and we'll be eating out at our favorite restaurant and then chilling.  It'll be nice to just hang out with my bro and not have a real agenda for the evening.

It is the reality that all will be well or it won't.  And either way God's will has got me on this one.  If you'd like to stay updated on David's procedures you can search "David's Virtual Waiting Room" on facebook to get more consistent updates from my parents and myself as the day goes on tomorrow.  I thank you for all your love, support and prayers.

Roller Coaster Crazy

Roller coaster doesn't really even begin to describe it. The ups and downs, hospital changes, doctor changes, med changes and complications and frustrations have continued. The only thing consistent in my life in the last month is inconsistency.  As of now I sit in the ER waiting for the doctors to determine if David has regressed or if the changes are normal. This morning I got a call from David in a panic... his paralysis had increased and seemed to be moving from his right and progressing to the left and his speech was much more slurred.

After some discussion and waiting we've taken Dave to the ER just to make sure things aren't worse... or in the very least to see whats going on. As of now his surgery to remove the rest of his tumor is still scheduled for Tuesday and we don't think that should change at all. We're waiting on the ER docs to look at the scan, consult with his specialists and to let us know what, if anything, has changed. At that point we'll know if they'll admit him or not.

The emotional stress that goes along with all this is rather incredible. It enables one to get through emergency or scary situations with ease and yet puts one on the edge of wanting to break down and sob.  Finding the balance between his care and my own isn't easy for me.  Its a process and one that enables me to grow. 

Continued prayers and love is always appreciated.  Currently, as we wait in the ER, David and I are planning a grand road trip cross country, a flight to Hawaii and a road trip back in the finest hotels and first class. Dreaming, I suppose, is always nice. Though, if you'd like to help that dream along we're not again donations.