Today I Grieve... Tomorrow I Save the World

The acute pain of the last week has abated.  The memory of being knocked over with grief and sobs seems to be a montage of faded pictures in the back of my mind. Regardless I still occasionally can barely keep it together some days.  The weight of melancholy has me moving slightly slower, laughing a little lower and finding motivation a little weaker.  I will mourn today and maybe tomorrow but eventually I will wake up and realize that I still want to save the world.  With what I know about me it will more than likely happen eventually, slightly more delayed perhaps, but I suppose saving the world isn’t a race. Saving the world is a process that begins with me.

I’ve thought about changing the name of my blog.  I’ve thought about it a hundred times since October. I’ve thought about letting it die a slow death and forgetting it all ever happened.  The internet is good at losing the thoughts of many a talented writer—why should I be any different?  But what was once a title of a physical location has become a title of emotional proportion. I may not be in Thailand any longer but I am still very much in foreign territory.  I am very much still finding my way home and learning ways to live. At times, I still feel very much alone in what seems an incredibly hostile place.

My heart longs to scream and wail in the midst of it.  The anger courses through my veins like so many destructive substances that I once put in my body.  But I realize the feelings of being isolated and alone are not based in fact.  I hold to the truth that my anger will not kill me like those substances once came very close to doing.  I hold to the belief that my longing screams will fade into a montage of past memories playing on the back burner of my mind.  And I will rise again. I must. I will not be held down by my grief.  I will push forward and with the support of all that is holy and good and true I will dwell again with the angels of mercy and peace.

Hope is not a feeling though it can be felt. Hope is a reality that can be felt when acceptance and awareness are fully actualized.  I do not feel hope today—I would be lying if I said I did. Regardless of whether I feel it or not I accept that it is present. I accept that it is there.  I accept that I am, in my very existence on the planet, the very tangible existence of hope. I should have been dead years ago and now having the opportunity to outlive both of my older brothers I take the gift of life with all the respect and reverence I can muster.  I will live fully and without fear.  I will live hard.  I will do and be and accomplish more than I thought was possible before. 

This whole process begins with finding a way to get the dryer fixed, making sure the dishes are done and that I make time to actually go to the bathroom.  I suppose Jesus, Muhammad and Buddha had to take craps and wash the dishes once in awhile too. Even the fathers of religion were human.  And in my humanity I realize what can be done. Today I grieve… tomorrow I change the world.