My No Good, Crazy Insane Slightly Traumatic Evening

Yesterday evening was insane. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it. We have a new baby and my body is going through a healing process right after a harrowing 36-hour labor followed by a c-section. So with that in mind let me set the stage.

It’s late evening, around 7pm. After the end of a long day where we had taken the baby to his first pediatrician appointment (anxiety ridden for both parents) we were finally relaxing. Around 7:30 I started feeling really cold and shivers started. I’d had several low-grade fevers in the hospital and it was starting again… this time though I’d already taken my 800mg motrin and was still really too early to take any other pain management meds (like percocets). The problem is that when I get low grade fevers these days the shivers are violent. My teeth chatter and my whole body shakes and it feels pretty nuts.

On top of this I had been constipated for days. Iron supplements due to low hemoglobin levels in the hospital paired with pain pills had left my bowels in a state of disarray. I’d been taking stool softeners to know avail and as I sat that shaking uncontrollably I realized… I needed to poop! This is usually such a good thing. But as I sat down on the toilet while shaking violently from a completely unrelated fever I realized it was not a good thing. Pooping after five days of not is usually good. Pooping after five days on iron supplements that make your feces like rocks? Hurts like hell.

Over the course of the next hour or so I proceeded to give birth to the largest and hardest three turds of my life. I was screaming in the bathroom at times and, understandably, it was starting to upset Wee Steven who doesn’t like to go too long without seeing mommy but hearing her scream meant he needed to cry too and my husband couldn’t fix his cry or my screams and then shit got really crazy. I’m shaking violently on the toilet, trying to poop and my kid cries which means my boobs, which are full of milk at this point, start leaking profusely. I take off my shirt because its leaving stains and its so much that its running down my body on the toilet while I’m screaming and shaking violently.

So I ask Tate to get my breast pump. Pump and baby in hand I walk him through how to set it up while the baby screams and I scream and I leak and I shake on the toilet. It was insane. So he gets it done and I start pumping which immediately makes me so thirsty so I want to kill someone (happens every time). So I’m thirsty, shaking, screaming while trying to poop bricks and pumping on the toilet while my baby cries and my husband gets me a cup of water. And then suddenly, I’ve pumped enough, the final turd comes out and my shaking, while still violent, calms enough that I can stand up.

Tate is stressed, baby is confused and scared and my body feels like I just went through a second labor. Taking that dump was as painful as parts of my labor. I didn’t think it was possible to compare that pain to anything else in reality but I was wrong. At this point I feed the baby, he calms down and we try and decompress. My incision is aching from the pushing I was doing and I’m overwhelmed. My shaking is getting worse and I take my temperature and it sits at 99.6 which is just enough to make me miserable but not enough to make me scared until I check it again 30 minutes later and its gone up to 100 even. So I call the midwife call service and wait for a call back.

Steven had eaten (but often likes to do this several times in a row but I was hopeful he was full) so I began treating my nipples. You see, they’d started having some pain and the pediatrician had written me a script for some magical nipple cream. So I soaked my nips first, put on some cream and then realized Steven was getting fussy like he wanted to eat again. So I texted my lactation consultant to see if was safe to feed him after just putting it on and he starts screaming. Tate tries to calm him down to no avail and then I get a text back saying its fine (keep in mind… all this time I’m still shaking violently). So as Tate is handing off baby my midwife is calling me back so I shove baby back in Tate’s arms who is still screaming and I’m still shaking with cream all over my nipples half naked on the couch… and pick up the phone.

I lose it. Immediately. Just start crying. Can barely tell her whats wrong. She asks me a few questions and then tells me to go ahead with the Percocet and to make sure I take my next motrin right on time and hangs up. Tate brings baby back, baby is on boob and quiet and then the husband is instructed to get me cold water, medication and a wash cloth because the baby has popped off said boob and started crying again because the boob obviously tastes funny. The washcloth comes, all while shaking, and wipe off the nipple and get Steven quiet and eating again, the cold water comes and I take my pill and within about 20 minutes the shaking stops, the baby is fed and my nipples are still sore. My fever went back down to 99 even and I just sat there slightly traumatized. Now, after 10pm, the baby nursed forever, the meds kicked in and I realized… this was the end of our full day at home. Awesome.