What It's Like to Lose

I wrote this well over a week ago now. I couldn't post it then- I suppose it was still too much and I've thought about not posting it now for a host of reasons. But I think it's important for people to know because a lot of people didn't and it's important to share because a lot of people never do. So there it is. I'll post another update in the next few days- where I was last week is not where I am right now.
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I have struggled with writing this. Getting my emotions down has never been a struggle for me, but this time around I’ve had a hard time grasping what it is that I feel.  My heart is numb and my mind seems to fold in on itself. Isolating myself from the world is such an easy way to escape from being honest. As if I’m floating in space and it absorbs my gravity and doesn’t allow my scream to be heard.

In the midst of my second miscarriage I realize now how many other women I know that have suffered through the loss in silence.  Many have never spoken of the loss to their partners let alone put it out in the universe for the world to contemplate.  But here I am with the weight of it and I’ve no idea how else to process it except to do so with the world at large. I can’t be the only one who feels this way and I certainly can’t be the only one who’s able to share it.

I am on my couch snuggling with my dog Todd- who for over a week now will not leave my side when I am home. He is aware of my emotional state more than most of the humans and I am grateful for his consistent warm presence. But while his warmth eases the pain in my heart the pain in my womb remains palpable. The bulk of the contractions and bleeding has eased but my body and mind remain resistant to the idea of trying again- or at least, trying again any time soon. While, what I want more than anything is my own child, the idea of creating another only to lose it breaks my spirit.

While all this has gone on one of my closest friends has given birth, another is five months pregnant and my news feed seems to constantly be filled with other newborn babes. Someone makes a comment about how I should have children and another person unknowingly talks about how great a mom I would be. These are positive things that bring my heart joy and yet I hate them all. They make me angry and it is unfair. I want to be happy for everyone but I fold into self-pity instead, I withdraw and ignore the world and hope they still love me when I come out of my shell. But I swear, if another person tells me “it will happen when it’s meant to” then I will probably kick them in the face.

It is not as though my body has some understanding of cosmic positioning of baby karma and therefore aborts a fetus because it’s not “meant to happen” right now. And if God as you understand him has some hand in the miscarriage of my child while bringing a crack baby into the world at the same time then I’d like to have none of it. No, for me, “meant to” and “god’s plan” just don’t fit into the achingly painful loss of my womb.

So I have no god to blame and the universe isn’t against me and I am left undone. There is no explanation or understanding of it so I am left with the “what ifs” of the future. What if, after this second one I will go through a third? What if my heart can’t take it again? What damage will another do to my relationship with my husband? What if, after months of healing I don’t want to try again because honestly it has crossed my mind? What if... what if he can’t stomach adoption and I can’t stomach the procedures? The fears of uncertainty are overwhelming.

So I take a breath and move forward. I feel the pain and have moments of sobbing and hold onto my husband while trying to let him go so he can breathe for himself. I try to grasp on to what is real, and true and good and lovely.  He is lovely to me. Those who knew of my pregnancy and loss have mostly been lovely. My dog is lovely and my belief that the pain always passes is a relief. It will pass and it will get different. This truth remains blatantly present on the surface of all my emotions- it will change. Nothing remains the same except for that which does. For the moment, my heart aches and so with it I eat cake and tea and wait for it all to pass.