Pardon me While I state my Goals for Rebelling against Theological School Norms....

We're told from the moment we walk into orientation to learn self-care and take care of ourselves. We're told that seminary is going to be hard and difficult and take lots of time. We're told it will be a spiritually life-changing event.  What I have found in my 6 weeks of theological school is that taking care of myself means sacrificing time with school work which means lower grades. That seminary "being hard" means they're making tests super hard in some misguided attempt to make me try harder. And spiritually life changing really translates into spiritually deadening.  The mixed messages and expectations are a joke. I wouldn't call it spiritual formation as much as spiritual destruction mixed in with a healthy dose of emotional disparity with a weekly option for communion.

My senior year in my undergraduate career I did a research paper and project about creating emotional safety within the collegiate sphere.  Thus far, I've found that my school doesn't do a single thing that the research specifies as emotionally satiating. Perhaps there is a person here or there that gives it a go or tries to provide a safe space... but it's a rarity. I find this problematic. I'm going to school not only to learn the facts and theological implications of faith but also to understand how to build people up, create an enviroment of safty and be present for people in my life.  Thus far, school is teaching me how to have an incredibly hectic life, take tests well and build resentments toward "the establishment". 

Let's be honest. I don't do authority well. Never have. And I'm feeling a rush of rebellion coming on. I have two appointments with two professors next week and I fully plan on letting them know that I'm disappointed with them for falling in line with some University model that creates snobby academics instead of conscientious students. In the end, I don't particularly care if my professors like me... I'd much rather they respect me.

I'm sure some of my fellow students will read this and think I've taken things a little to far. That's ok for you to think that. I've come to these decisions, not solely based in opinion, but in research. So I feel ok about it. To be certain, some of my disappointment comes from the HUGE amount of effort it took for me to get back into school and the realization that it is nothing like I hoped. I hoped that school would be challenging, that it would take effort and that it would be hard. I hoped that it would allow me to grow in a myriad of ways.  I guess, in some respects, it IS those things- but the way in which it has presented itself comes off as gross and icky. 

I want to be challenged not disheartened. I want it to take effort not make me a work-aholic with no time for spiritual development. I want it to be hard- not impossible. The ways in which it is teaching me to grow is also much different than expected. So my growth goals for this week:  to speak my truth in a way that my research suggests builds emotional safety-- even if it's uncomfortable for those around me or the people in authority over me. My goal is to have the self-confidence to stay in my truth with or without the support of my peers and my goal is to remember that I have come to Emory with a purpose and goal. That I was called, that I did answer and that I am here. I will not fade into the background of a system that I do not believe is working; instead I will challenge the system to grow and change to the needs of its students. Even if that student is only me.

Last week we had "Reformation Day" on campus because of this dude named Martin Luther. If that guy had the balls to say what he believed based on his research then I guess I can grow a pair and do something about it too. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself now and make dinner.