Oh, goodbye July.... Hello there August.

July has been a very intense month.  It has held emotional, physical and spiritual ups and downs.  It has also been a process.  The process of adjusting to something new is never easy- adjusting after leaving behind things and people that you love is often so much harder and bittersweet.  But it has been a good month.  It was a month where I’ve learned to grow into my new role at Warm Heart.  Its been a month where I’ve learned to explore and find my niche- finding a favorite place to pray, a new favorite restaurant and a host of other new favorites.  This month has enables obsessions and old feelings to fade simply to allow new and better concepts to take hold. I’m fully aware that even amidst the cloud shrouded mountains of North Thailand that I am not alone and that I am loved and I am loveable.  It’s nice to like myself on so many levels.  A feat that is often hard to accomplish.

I bid July adieu with gratitude.  I welcome in August with a spirit of rebirth and change.  I’ve made the decision to quit smoking (again), to really invest myself in finding a muay thai trainer and to continue my epic runs up the stairs of the pagoda.  It’s high time I invest in myself and take care of myself consistently emotionally, physically and emotionally.  Its something I rarely make time for when I’m in the states and it’s one of my goals while I’m here… to fully embrace myself as human and wonderfully made by my higher power (who, by the way, just absolutely adores me).  August will not be easy.  Quitting smoking comes with it challenges and taking care of myself under that stress is not easy.  But as opposed to looking at the challenges I will instead look at the benefits… for one, I can get up the pagoda steps without wanting to cough up one of my lungs (which would be a very nice change indeed).

Lest we get too spiritual and deep, I have to say that the last day of July brought some frustrations—I left the bag of skittles open last night after seeing a movie and it was invaded by ants.  I’m inclined to eat them anyway (extra protein) but I probably wont.  The benefit is that there was only about half a pound left (out of four) and I still have another four pound bag left….things could always be worse.

Pagoda And the Monk

She woke to the sound of her alarm.  Confused, she hit the snooze button. Where am I? She thought.  Then it hit her.. she was in Thailand and she'd set the alarm early to go to the pagoda.  She grumbled to herself and rolled off her hard wooden bed.  She was hoping the early start meant a better attitude for the day.  She turned off the alarm and walked into her bedroom careful not to wake her room mate.  They were sleeping in the living room where it was cooler and she didn't want to cause a ruckus being up so early.


She got dressed and put on sweat pants and a flannel shirt over her t-shirt.  At 6am the air was still fairly cool and the ever pervading humidity would mean damp air cold air on thirty minutes motorbike ride down to the village where the pagoda was located.  She walked into the kitchen, took a swig of apple juice and thought Its going to be a good day.  This is going to be great. She grabbed her bag, found her keys (which took a little longer than expected), walked quietly through the living room and hopped on her motor bike that she had affectionately named Hank. She revved the engine... it sputtered and died. Great. Damn bike. She revved it again... and a third time and then the motor whined and turned over.  She popped it into first gear and headed out the "driveway".  The drive was a mix of mud and crush porcelain pieces which were there to keep the bikes from getting stuck.


She hit the first road and kicked it into second and then third gear.  She stayed slow through town and smiled at the early risers who were setting up at the local market.  Even riding that slow the air was crisp and she was grateful she had thought to dress warmly.  She took a left, got on the main highway and kicked into top gear.  Her motorbike didn't have speedometer and even if it did she didn't know which signs denoted a speed limit anyway.  Within a few seconds she was driving steadily south with the cool air in her face and the small town of Phrao behind her.  As she drove in the valley she passed rice fields that just seemed to glow they were so green.  The low lying valley was surrounded by mountains and those mountains were shrouded with clouds and fog.  Being here sure has its perks she thought.

The first mountain she needed to get over lay in front of her and as Hank and her began to climb it she went into a misty fog that was so dense it was almost raining.  She crested the mountain and came down the other side zooming out of the fog into the next low lying valley.  The sun was rising over the mountains and the reflection on the still water of the unplanted rice patties was perfection.  She smiled to herself and kept driving.  20 minutes later she passed the white gate dedicated to some famous monk (a story for another day) and slowed, a kilometer down the road she pull over into a grassy yard. 

The pagoda steps came from out of nowhere and swept down the side of the mountain.  The blue dragons which graced the massive railings swooped down and easily chased away the evil spirits from the place.  The staircase and the pagoda itself were ancient but the dragons and the steps had been newly renovated in past years.  The blues, red and yellows were brilliant in the morning sun.  She breathed.  Took a few pictures and started her ascent. 1, 2, 3, 4....  she counted.  She had a small bet that there were over 150 steps. She stopped halfway up and took a breather, the valley lay below her and it seemed so still.  She continued up.. 265, 266, 267. 267 steps!  At the top centered between the dragon railings was the pagoda as old as this place could remember.  A golden Buddha at its center smile peacefully down at her.  To the right there was housing of sorts for the monks who lived there and other buildings surrounded the pagoda-  like some sort of protection from the outside world.

The place was silent and it seemed all the monks had left for morning alms.  So she walked up to the pagoda and sat in front of it and began to pray and meditate. I pray for peace, I pray that I am happy, I pray that I am safe, I pray that I am loved. She said it over and over again- a meditation she had been taught a few weeks ago.  And every time she said it she changed "I" with the name of someone she loved.  It felt like she'd been there forever when she finally stood and saw the monk staring at her inquiringly.  I guess they don't get many white girls praying at the pagoda at 7:30 in the morning. She laughed to herself.  "Sawadii Kaa" she said and she bowed deeply.  The typical Thai greeting made formal for monks with her hands pressed together at her forehead and her bow deep.  "Sawadii Kap" he responded "Do you speak Thai?" she paused "Neetnoi" (very little) he responded "Ahh.. the other monks in town." she smiled "It's ok, I'm here to pray" and sensing what she said he smiled and went on about his business.  She looked at her watch- she thought she'd been there for half an hour... it had been ten minutes. Well, I'll get better at it with time.  Progress before perfection. And with that she walked slowly down the steps, got on her bike and started thinking about breakfast.

Higher Power Mojo Fo Sho

Let me tell you a story.  I'm in Chiang Mai tonight and because I was running late on everything decided to stay in my old guest house just north of the north gate.  Normally, I would have stayed in Seven Suns.  So I headed to the meeting where I met a woman from London. She's just coming back off an anti-climatic "didn't hit bottom" relapse.  She came to Chiang mai to get space in a relationship and get focused.  She said that on coming here she had no intention on coming to meetings until she ran into a woman at the gym from upperstate New York who had 20 years clean that told her it might be a good idea.  So she hit the meeting tonight as well.
     Upon talking after the meeting we realized we were heading in the same direction... had I been at seven suns we'd have departed ways.  So, though she had a bike, she walked with me because the bike didn't have a light on it... otherwise we would have departed ways.  We talked all the way home about all sorts of things.  She told me that she keeps an apartment in Chiang Mai year round but only lives here about three months of the year. 
      At this point I want to interupt my story.  See, I've been really worried about the realization that I need meetings every weekend.  I thought for certain I'd be fine with every other week-- but I am not.  Far from it.  And the CHEAPEST I can stay in Chiang Mai was for about 600 baht a weekend (18 dollars)  but times that by 52 weeks and you see why thats pretty hard core (about 950 bucks plus bus fare).  I knew it wasn't feasable with my budget but I had been pushing it to the back of my mind.  I had decided that I would worry about it in August when I sorted through my budget to figure out what I could really afford.
     **back to story** As we're walking I say "Listen, I know you might nto be up for it and if not I want you to know its perfectly ok... BUT if you want to cut expenses at all do you think you'd want to rent your apartment to me for the weekends when you're not here?" and her reply was "Oh my goodness! That would be just perfect! What about 1000 baht a month? Is that too much?"  In one sweet moment my expenses went from $950 to $390!!!!!  What was seemingly impossible was provided for.  And both of us needed the break.  After leaving her beautiful one room apartment this evening it was all I could do to not just sob and hit my knees in the middle of the street (the cockraoches were a prevenetive but god understands).  My GOD! How great though art!  I was humming that hymn allll the way home.  It was so powerful. 
       The reality is that my higher power's mojo has been hittin me up left and right.  I am constantly reminded that I am well taken care of.  A week ago after waking up feeling desperately lonely after having horrible dreams I walked out and found a friend in the fellowship in my guest house restaurant.  We then rode to the morning meeting together-- and I wasn't alone and I was cared for.
         One afternoon after feeling defeated and emotionally spent I came home and had one the most hilarious and uplifting conversations with a friend I met while visiting a seminary last year via facebook.  It was the moment I realized that this trip was never intended to be easy and there were people out there who fully understood and were more than willing to be present for me.
         The day my computer got fried-- I was sobbing in my apartment not sure how to even cope with such a loss... two seconds after the tears started my dear friend Dave (who lives in Phrao and is also in the fellowship) rang to see if I wanted to have dinner.  He heard me crying and came over right away, picked me up, bought me dinner and reminded me that it was not the end of the world.  It would be alright.
        I want to stress that transitioning to Thailand has been far from easy.  My stomach problems, relationship problems, computer issues, and government delays have hit me from every direction.  And EVERY single time I felt as though I just couldnt push myself over another mountain God gave me the gift of having people carry me the rest of the way.  This is not easy but it is simple.  When you are in the will of your higher power it will not always be easy but it will always be sweet.  It will be exhausting but there are these amazing moments of peace and respite that reminds you how fully loved and fully wonderful your God finds you.  If nothing else amazing happens in the next year it would be alright-- The last few weeks have been enough to remind me that my will would get me nowhere and my God's will gets me everywhere.  Lets be honest though-- it only gets better from here.

A Few Things to Remember

I've been having one of those day.. well.. a few of those days.  I've learned to call them Thai Days.  They are those days when you have about a million things to do.  Literally, your "to do" list is 100 things long and by noon you only have half of number 1 done.  When living in a third world country one must remember a few things:


1) Everyone runs late.  If they are on time they're early.  Get used to it.
2) It rains here.  A lot.  Keeping your laptop only in your backpack during monsoon season is a sure fire way to screw it up.
3) The food is wonderful-- and for weak stomach people (like myself) you can be sure that 20-40% of your time will be spent on the toilet expelling said wonderful food the first few weeks.  If after a few weeks this continues you thank the Lord above for the loss of 5 pounds and then go to the local hospital.
4)  When going to the hospital is runs at one speed. SLOOOOW.  It gives American ERs a good name.  After three hours you get antibiotics that crap out your stomach.. but at least you've stopped crappin every 20 minutes!
5) Government in Thailand also has one speed: SLOOOOOW.  If you expect to walk into immigration and get something accomplished than you are an ignorant foreigner.  If you get there by 8am you might MIGHT get your stuff done by 4pm. If you're lucky. 
6) Internet access (or good internet access) is hard to come by.. if your awesome MacBook gets wasted in a rainstorm it gets exponentially worse.  You might borrow someone's laptop but if you think, for one second, that the password will work... you are wrong.  So you head to the internet cafe where the internet was updated in the early 90's and you hope.. HOPE that your blog that you just typed up will actually load.


In three days I've gotten about 3 hours of REAL work done.  This is frustrating.  But as Schafer says (the owner and operator of Warm Heart) "You just get used to these Thai days.. they happen all the time."  So instead of being my typical American self that would be all up in arms about the lack of things done or the inability to complete what is a seemingly simple task.... I will relax.  I'm powerless and there ain't a bit I can do to fix it.  I chuckle at the frustration and breathe a moment.  I didn't pray for patience... but the Lord is teaching me that growth comes in the long pauses that often have made me uncomfortable in the past.


The past doesn't have much use here.  And frustration doesn't really fit in with the culture.  You twist and turn with the crazy and smile and nod with the delays.  You learn that the driven, insane, push push push of the college experience isn't not only necessary here- its detrimental. You find new ways to find comfort in the uncomfortable and you allow the obsessions from yesterday to pass.  Peace comes in the gratitude that the latest commode you just crapped in not only is a western toilet-- but it had toilet paper.  And then you move on.

Back to the Grind!

Kao Pansa is over and its back to the grind.  Finding a work ethic in a new country when you don't know whats expected or exactly what you should be doing is never easy.  But it is a new challanege.  For those who knew my in college it comes as no surprise that Im ready to dive in head first and take on the world.  But the boring, if not completely necessary stuff, has to be done first.  There's the research... first to find out exactly what the problems are with the youth in this area.  Are they doing drugs? Drinking? Are they drop outs or still in high school? Are the bored? Or are they too busy working on the family farm to be bored?  What are the needs?

It seems odd, because in America I could go into a community and find the asnwers to those questions relatively quickly.  This is the not the case here.  Thai's and the culture are one of closed mouths.  They rarely speak of their problems or their issues.  They rarely talk about whats going in their lives on any emotional level and with the stigma around drug/alcohol abuse and mental health its difficult to gauge the problems that might be plaguing the local villages.  But with persistence and different avenues there is an opportunity to get a fuller perspective.  We'll do an anonymous survey for students who are still in school, talk to local police in this district and go into the villages where the drop outs hang out and ask them questions.  With these different routes (and maybe a few more) we'll understand what the teenagers around here need.  If we know what they need then we have an opportunity to provide the programs that will best help: do they need 12-step programs? sports programs? english lessons? Do they need therapy? Practical education (ie farming and weaving skills)? These are all questions that can be answered with a bit of help and a lot of patience.

This week I'll be focusing on some basic media outlets to help out while I'm (ever so patiently) waiting on the next move for the program.  Help me out by following us in our different avenues:

*On facebook: follow us by searching for Warm Heart World Wide or
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Warm-Heart-Worldwide/136461009711879
*On twitter: warmheartorg
*On Tumblr: http://warmheartworldwide.tumblr.com/

I'll be posting on several of these (if not all) in the next few weeks so be on the look out!

Kao Pansa

This coming weekend is the Buddhist holiday called Kao Pansa.  In the old days (and still today) monks travel around the country to serve in other temples and lead meditation.  During the rainy season however (the crop growing season) monks would often trample rice patties and cause crop destruction.  Buddha, in his infinite wisdom, created Kao Pansa.  This three month (lent like) holiday keeps the monks at their given temple—where they cannot leave for the three months of rainy season.  During this time monks eat only once a day and rarely leave the temple grounds except for necessities within their village. 

People from local districts often visit every single Wat (temple) in their district (often 10 or 20) paying homage to their monks who make this sacrifice so that their own crops might grow in peace.  They bring candles, pray and meditate.  They ask forgiveness for the evils in their lives and ask to leave them in the Wat taking with them only the peace and prosperity that meditation has brought them.  It is a time for meditation, prayer and repentance.  It is a time of gratitude.  In such a dynamically Buddhist country it is interesting to note that such a large part of the population participates.  When talking to my translator today I asked “do people really believe in this” and he answered, “some do and some don’t but it’s the principle that the leaders of our religion give up and have given up so much so that we can have our daily lives.” 

I had the opportunity to participate in a small way.  As a local business often dependent on the community around us we paid respect to our five main temples which are often the focal point of religious life.  We met several monks (old and new) who we prayed with and left our offerings.  Ton, my favorite, is from the east and led us in a guided meditation… leaving us in silence for a few moments and then saying in broken English “come back to center, come back to center” and then allowed us to go back into silence.  I’m not the best at meditation and the heat and sweat of the day didn't help but having the opportunity to escape my often-crazy mind was the reprieve I so very needed today.  I left my anger and frustration at the temple doors and took with me (even if only for a moment) the peace that the place offered.  It was not required of me to carry pain or even my own humanity anymore.  God was present.  I was not alone.

Tomorrow I head into Chiang Mai—the office is closed for the national holiday.  I’ll be joining a guided meditation at the yoga tree, hitting a meeting and enjoying the air conditioning in typical American style.      

Monday Morning Staff Meetings

Monday morning staff meetings at Warm Heart consist of about 15 people and are held on the front porch of their office space—the porch doubles as their large gathering space, board room and staff meeting space.  The meetings are usually directed by Evelind and translated into Thai by PJ.  PJ is half American, served for the US army years ago and speaks fluent Thai and English.  The people present range from micro business managers, farm manager (and his assistants), children’s home managers, and office staff.  Little is lost in translation but the meeting is often complicated even for veterans like Evelind and Schafer because of the language barrier.

At the meeting schedules are set, priorities are discussed and the projects that need to be worked on talked through.  With a 15 person staff and multiple projects going on at any given time there is a surprising amount to be worked out and discussed between the staff members.  Supplies need to be bought, children have to be taken to the doctor, holidays and funeral observance need to be addressed (especially by such a community organization that depends on the community for support), and reports need to be written and translated.  The amount of work to be done is awesome.  The Schafer’s remind me of me working on my projects at school last year—except they make my work seem minute in comparison.  They are tireless.

By the meeting’s end the projects and reports have been discussed.  The needs and budgets have been updated and paperwork has been dished out.  People are ready for the work week and within minutes the staff is off to the races.

Doi Suthep

Yesterday I went to Doi Suthep.  It is one of the main centers of religious life in the Chiang Mai area.  The temple, said to be constructed in the 1300’s has maintained an err of mystery and legend (like any good Wat in  Thailand).  The temple was wonderful and fully set up for tourists.. so the temple wasn’t nearly as wonderful as the opportunity to pray and meet new people.  Anywhere you go in Thailand people try speaking English with you and occasionally this bodes well for the wayward solo traveler.

On the red bus taxi (they have a specific name that I don’t know yet) up the mountain to the temple I met June.  June is a woman from Bangkok and her English was good enough that we became instant friends.  She asked “Who are you with in Chiang Mai?” and I said “I’m alone” and her response “You are not alone any more… you are with me.”  And I was,  she showed me the ropes, made sure I got my ticket up the mountain and showed me a walking mediation prayer.  Within the temple we went everywhere together and took a million pictures (a few with strangers even) and in general had a good time. 

The peace in that place was tangible despite the silly souvenirs and money changers.  The prayer was tangible and people everywhere were taking pictures and joining in the touristy revelry.  Despite all that I enjoyed my time immensely and was glad to have a friend to do it with.  We departed ways at the bottom of the mountain and exchanged email addresses.  The afternoon was glorious because of it and I enjoyed my time meeting someone new as much as I did the temple itself.

Want to know more about Doi Suthep? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wat_Phrathat_Doi_Suthep

Chiang Mai Update

Bangkok Morning

Everything is just so much richer here.  Waking up jet lagged to hell and gone at 5:30 in the morning gives you a chance to see the city wake up.  You see sleepy children and their mothers getting breakfast from street vendors and busy businessmen getting their caffeine from the local 7/11.  Waking this early gives you a chance to eat with the locals, smile at the children’s stares (after all I’m now the odd looking one) and soaking in the smells and sights of the airport area of Bangkok.

I’m preparing to fly up to Chiang Mai this afternoon and stay in my favorite city in Thailand and rest for the next few days as I attempt to get my body back on a schedule of sorts.  It will become easier to sleep through the night and the food will continue to get tastier as I get more northern fare in the mountains.  I’ll visit a few Wats (temples) and pray and meditate with some monks, hit a few meetings allowing myself to process the emotions of change and then on Sunday I’ll continue my way up to Phrao where the bulk of my year will be spent. 

It was a good morning.  Every now and then waking up with the birds isn’t so bad.