When I Look for Church

Since being in Thailand I have really enjoyed the cultural side of things.  Being able to go to temple and enjoy meditation is a huge part of my experience.  Learning how to quiet my mind from the noise that so often engulfs my thoughts is the thing that keeps me sane most days.  Regardless of the awesomeness of meditation I still like church a lot... and i've missed it since being in Thailand.  In the village that i run through on my jogs every morning there is a little church-- it reminds me of the church I went to when I lived in Hawaii.  Open air and small and beautiful.

I decided to attend this past Sunday and found that attending church in Thailand is a lot weirder than going to temple.  First of all they all stared. STARED when we walked in.  Now, I understand, that three american girls walking into a country church in the middle of north thailand is a little strange.  But we rarely get those kind of glances in the temple.  On a positive note they did have hymnals in english and I did know half of them that we sang... they did sing them at half pace.  I want you to understand that many hymns are slow already so cutting down the speed by half is rather painful.  The best part was that the church had a band including an electric guitar, a drummer and another stringed thai instrument.  The worst part is that none of them were on beat with each other-- it was fun watching them try though.

The music was led by a woman and a woman gave the sermon as well.  A man sat up front with them that led the prayer.  The message was in thai and speaking little thai I had no idea what they were saying.  However, my friend sitting next to me gave me a brief interpretation "If you become a christian your life will be good."  So here's the thing-- I really hate when Christians, Buddhists or Muslims or any other religions say that.  Quite frankly, I've been a christian for a long time and being one doesn't mean my life is good.  In fact, there's been  lots of times when my life was crap and quite often it wasn't because of my own choices.  So here's the deal-- being a christian or having a God in your life doesn't mean your life will be good.  It just means you don't have to do it alone.  And that is good enough for me.

Regardless, the people were kind enough and happy. And despite all of my silly complaints it was nice to be in a place where people were attempting to connect with a higher power I'm a familiar with.  It was nice to pray there and be with a group of people doing the same.  I ran into a few english speakers there as well-- a man who runs a christian preshool in town and some people who work for him as well.  Overall it was an experience and I'll probably go back in a few weeks just to see how things change from week to week.

Like a good resident of Thailand-- I hedged my bets and went to my favorite temple after church with Sandee and Divya.  The views and silence of the place finished off my sunday with calm understanding.  I wasn't looking for a sermon or good music or even the silence of the temple-- I was looking for church.  Church is the presence of the community as opposed to a few sung songs and a message.  Church is the presence of a people who comprehend and love you.  I'll keep looking and I'll keep going.  It will come in time.

 

A Tour of the House

I Dig Normal

Today was not the best day ever.  Today was not the hardest day ever. Today was a day.  Perhaps that seems like an anticlimactic beginning to a blog entry and perhaps it is.  Reality is that its quite nice to simply have "a day".  I'm over the roller coaster emotions of change and transistion.  Settling into life and enjoying it is probably the nicest way to go about my daily affairs.  Not that having a super amazing day isn't nice once in a while but the consistency of knowing whats on my schedule, what I need to get done and whats expected of me is nice in a lot of ways.

The office work is simple enough if not consistent.  The things that need to get done are piling up-- and that is because I'm a work-a-holic and I like giving myself more to do than I can handle.  God forbid I learn how to relax.  I'm breathing.  Which is so much better than hyperventilating.  I'm only slightly annoyed at the ants that always seem to make my computer screen home and the frustratios of battling the ever present thunderstorms that chase me and my fragile mac all the way home at the end of a work day.  I'm digging some Buddha in my life but I still occasionally miss Jesus.  There's a christian church in the village down the street-- I'm thinking sunday I might stop by and see what it has to offer.  I'm finding the balance in the chaos.  Balance in all things.

I miss my friends at home.  As many of my friend begin their college year I am reminded of how much I gained at Bryn Athyn and how much I miss leading worship.  I love being here and love what I'm doing but my heart sings when I'm able to give people a new understanding of what God is in my life.  For example, I realize Jesus would be one of those cool dudes with bongos at an open mic night that people flock too and buddha would be the best snuggle buddy of all time.  That little quip would be how I'd start a talk if I were giving one.  I miss those.  I'm ok without them.

I'm hot and gross and tired and in dire need of some stewed fried pork leg with basil leaves for dinner.  There is nothing like a meal like that in a country like this at the end of a long hot day to make you realize what you have and let go of what you haven't.  Today was good and normal.  I dig normal.

The Life I Lead

The last few days have been the happiest I've had since being here.  This is inherently because I decided I would do the things I needed for myself.  I gave myself the emotional and physical sustenance I needed through out the week and as a result the weekend and the work week have been awesome.  That doesn't mean I didn't get crabby.  This doesn't mean I was spectacularly loving and unselfish.  What it does mean is that I allowed myself to consciously choose to enjoy myself and enjoy my day and enjoy the people around in it. 

The weekend was uneventful as always.  A few meetings, relaxing by the pool and enjoying the presence of my friend Sandee who's joy with living is so completely enthralling that its catching. 

Sandee's joy is infectious and her unwillingness to put up with my crap is refreshing.  Laying buy her pool simply coexisting was delightful and meeting her teacher who prayed with me and allowed me to be open minded to change allowed a rebirth of sorts.  I shut the old doors and opened new ones. 

Monday proved to be highly eventful as well.  As a sub-project Divya and I have taken on "Warm Heart Tours" which we're hoping to be a subsidiary of Warm Heart that will provide sustainable income for the organization and well as boosting the local economy.  The tours will be marketed to tourists who are looking for a real cultural experience and want to enjoy the Thai countryside.  In order to plan out the tours we're seeking out the gems of the Phrao subdistrict.  As I'm sure you can imagine the adventures in this area are limitless.

Adventures are my new favorite.

For a woman such as me, who isn't a big fan of nature or direct sunlight you'd think adventures in the northern mountains of thailand would annoy me.  But for whatever reason this isn't the case.  In fact its quite the opposite.  We discovered a second waterfall, a few local businesses that would be great for tourists to see, a sugar factory and even a local bungalow/guesthouse who is giving us a cut of whatever rooms we book with them through the tours.  We got to see Aomdoi in detail (a local resort) and the coolest temple of all time.

The crew adventuring by the falls.

Sting Dolls made by local artisens... I purchased these two muay thai guys...

The sugar factory owner posing by his kubota machine

Sugar Cane sugar factory-- they've been making it this way for hundreds of years!

I know I know, you're thinking.. "Hannah, another temple? Seriously?" well, yes seriously.  This particular temple is situated on a mountain and under that mountain is a bat cave.  Atop it a HUGE reclining Buddha greets visitors.

This particular cave houses thousands upon thousands of bats and its vastness is only discovered when you get about halfway down the steps into the cave.  Before entering ancient slabs of rock that have been there since time began are on either side as you enter.  The slabs are engraved with ancient forms of Thai scripture.  The place is holy and its vastness is only equaled by the intense smell of bat guano which covers the steps into the cavern. 

Entrance to the cave.. sadly you can't see the bats because of my flash

These inscriptions aren't very old but the pink buddha on the bottom right is actually caved out of the stone and has been there for centuries.

At the bottom of cavern is an ancient Buddha where only the pious (and the crazy) come to worship.  Getting down there with out a flashlight and a breathing mask is nearly impossible but the adventure of it all? Totally stellar.  On the exterior of the mountain is a huge reclining buddha, elephant statues that are bigger than the real thing and steps that go up and up and up. 

At the top of of the mountain is tiled platform adorned with another buddha and bells.  The platform gives way to a view of the entire valley of Phrao.  The entire valley is set out before you and the green lushness of the place hits you, the smoke fires dwindle upward miles away, the dirt and paved roads wind around seemingly as ancient as the temple we're standing on. 

The view is breathtaking but its more than that.  Its as if I'm in another world and I must ask myself.  How did I deserve this? How did I get this job?  How in the world does a girl like me get to a place of beauty like this?! As I reached the top and saw the richness of it all laid before me I was brought to tears.  I felt completely unworthy of such beauty.  Regardless of how I felt I claimed it, owned it and embraced it.  This wasn't my home or my land but for the moment when tears blurred my vision it most certainly could have been.

Yes, I'm a dork.

Another Day in the Neighborhood.

Thai adventures never cease to amaze me.  I seriously step out of the office for just one day and things turn a little haywire.. in a good way.

This past thursday was such an occasion. Divya (my volunteer/partner in crime) and I were working on our tourism idea (bring sustatinable income to Warm Heat and increasing local economy through tourism packages to the country).  In order to work on this idea we have to get a good idea of what the attractions are in the area. Phrao, for such a small town, is actually full of cool things.  There's a horse trekking place (owned by a german guy named Boris), at least two waterfalls, a temple thats situated in a batcave, and spa that charges 400 baht for two hours (about 12 bucks) of pure bliss and bungalow after bungalow that sits empty.  So, in the name of research Divya and I set off (with a few thai guides) on our motorbikes to check out the other waterfall.

Neither of our guides decided to tell us that we'd be off roading on clay roads on motor bikes up and down the lower hills of a mountain range. Nor do they explain that they're not exactly sure where they are going.  After driving around in one big circle, Divya's bike getting stuck and a hard ride we give up and head over to the horse trekking place to meet Boris. 

Boris is probably one of the most interesting people I've met since being in Thailand... which is saying something when you think of the characters I've met thus far.  He's married to a Lasu woman and also had a grandchild running around as well.  The treks he does are up in the jungles of the hilltribe people and range from a few days to over a week.  The horses are the short stocky kind and instead of beautiful are more "we're the kind of horses that get shit done".  Let me tell you, it takes a certain kind of crazy to lead horse treks through the mountain junlges of northern thailand with only the hilltribe people for company.  Boris, obviously, was a wealth of information.  

Regardless by time we were done with an offroad adventure (which I can't fully explain the awesomeness of), talked with an East German horse dude named Boris and then made it home we were properly exhausted.  

Monday...we will find that damn waterfall. Adventure awaits!

Honor, Reputation & Gain

What we learn on the journey is often more important that what we intended to learn by the journey's end.  True story.  The things we learn on the way to learning other things is probably more important than anything else.  Let me explain.

At Bryn Athyn College (my awesome alma mater) I learned epic amounts of communication skills.  If it was learning how to explain that my sermons weren't sermons but "talks" (god forbid a woman preach) or creating petitions for equal rights or creating a mentor program on top of a new club... I had to learn how to communicate with the same people over and over who adored me on some issues and were annoyed with me on others.  I learned how to put personalities aside for the sake of principles... the issues I fought for weren't about me they were about the people I was trying to serve.  I had to put aside my own anger, frustration and fears in order to get what I needed from the people in charge.  This learning experience taught me how to communicate effectively, how to manipulate only when necessary and how to not be afraid to address my issues to authority figures (after all, what it boils down to is that we are all human).

Today I used those skills to express my needs at Warm Heart, to let my boss know where I was at and what I'd need in order to be effective.  When it was all said and done I can honestly say that the conversation was probably the most productive communication I've had in a long while.  I'm realizing that instead of stewing in my shit sometimes I just need to say a prayer and push forward.  I also realize that communicating with my boss might be easy enough and getting what I need is only a conversation away. What isn't so easy is communicating with the Thai government.  This conversation went from communicating my needs to him communicating to me the reality of the situation.

Let me explain.  If you've been reading my blog then we are all familiar with Mr. Manat.  On many levels Mr. Manat is kind and endearing and is at least attempting to do something different. Yet, on many levels, him and his department are still very much thai.  They not only believe that soccer will help kids off yabaa (meth) they also have no desire to learn different.  In thailand the success of a program and its leaders is determined by the two simple measures: did you plan and implement the program AND did you spend the budget.  Thats it.  So, if they know that kids are addicted to yabaa the program no longer becomes about playing soccer and spending the budget.  The program becomes about getting kids to stop using yabaa... the measures of success now have changed from running a simple program and spending money to the success being about whether fewer kids are doing yabaa or not... a scary measure. Getting kids off yabaa ain't no joke. 

This is inherently the problem. This is a nation where saving face and hididng the problem in name of a good reputation rules. Success and plaques and recognition are more important than how much money you have in the bank there is no hope of starting a program that has huge potential to fail.  REALITY: People will save face and reputations and they will keep their recognition and the children will die.  They will die.  Yabaa is not a joke. It is not funny.  It does not go away with a damned soccer game.  As my boss tells me this reality I can see the frustration-- we are not only fighting a culture that turns a blind eye... we are fighting people who are more concerned with honor, reputation and gain then they are with their children living a good life. 

For sure not everyone is like this.  For sure there are many who want change.  But for this volunteer the sadness is epically awful.  A few of you have asked "I don't know how you're there" and my response is that I don't know how i could NOT be here.  How could I be anywhere else?  They build their reputations and children die.  It seems as Warm Heart got their hands on a woman like me that doesn't give two shits and a rats ass about reputation.... so what do we do? Where is the solution?  In a place where our stability and presence in Phrao is only as good as our relationships with the Mr. Manats of the world how do we become an effective force?  We disregard the rules of the game... we do things the sneaky manipulative way (for the greater good of course).

We'll help Mr. Manat.  We'll do everything we can to lend our support while allowing him to be fully in charge and allowing him to gain all the "recognition" of the program.  And very quietly in the southern side of the district where village life and poverty and tons of alcohol and yabaa reign we will slowly begin to love a population of the unloved.  We'll accept them no matter what.  We'll take 'em in and have them help us clean up the building we'll be using (lord knows they got nothing else to do) and we will slowly and calmly move in and do what we do best... we'll offer them a warm heart.

We're currently about $500 short of the budget needs to fix up the building we'll be using for the program (it will house a preschool program, trainings for those of disabilities and the teen program I'm working on as well).  If you'd like to be a part of the process feel free to lend your encouragement and aid through monetary donations.  They are tax deductible and can be made at www.warmheartworldwide.org  Thanks for reading,

Love & Rice,

Hannah

Always Been Faithful