Intent of My Heart

Its funny how I forget the basics sometimes. No one will ever love me as good as I can love me. No one can validate my worth, hold me close or be as present with my heart as I can. And yet, every time I get into a relationship I subconsciously begin to think that I shouldn't be the one taking care of me. Like some man could ever take care of all the emotions and frustrations I have in my heart.  It's the moment when I realize I'm beginning to rely on a man to take care of me that I take a step back and breathe. My worth is not determined by a man or a job or my money or all the stuff I might own. My worth is determined by the intent of my heart. My worth is determined by the actions that occur because of that intent. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I just had one of the most calm, wonderful and pampered weekends of my life. It was just so sweet. And not sweet in some current cultural standard of the word but sweet like if you had honey on the edge of your teacup and it brushed your lips with warm sweetness... that kind of sweet. It warmed my heart and almost overwhelmed me. The moment that he left to get on the road for a week away for work my heart sunk. I realized, I didn't feel like I deserved it all. Who was I to get all of this? It's so easy for me to lose sight of my worth. It isn’t easy, when engulfed in love and comfort and warm snuggles, to remember that it is my job alone to give myself the attention my heart needs in order to comprehend my worth. He can give me the world and I wouldn't be able to accept it if I weren't able to accept myself first.

There is still a little girl inside of me that wants to be taken care of on every level. Taking care of myself is hard. Its hard being conscious of what my body needs for food. Its hard being aware of how much sleep I need and how much a spiritual community means to me. Its difficult paying attention to my emotional swings and doing what is healthy in order to make sure an emotional swing doesn't turn into an emotional down turn. If its hard for me and I'm the one inside my own head and heart how in the world could I expect ANYONE else to even attempt it? I'm, in fact, often a silly little girl. 

I'm grateful for the awareness.  My heart sinking wasn't the upset of him leaving so much as it was the realization that this is where the real work begins. If I want the relationship to last, and I do, then its time to get to work and take a look at myself. What do I need in order to keep my identity? What do I need in order to ensure my stability? What do I need to be happy and content with myself? If I can't answer and fulfill these questions then my relationships will always fade to the codependent. I've had enough of that for one lifetime.  So for my birthday today I'm simply giving myself the love and attention that I need while ensuring that the intent of my heart and the action behind that intent is safe and secure.