The gift of freedom also comes with the gift to feel. It is these emotions that I must often survive. My greatest source of joy is often my greatest source of pain. Don't get me wrong, I love that I can feel these things but that doesn't make them any easier. The realization has hit me that very soon I shall be leaving for Thailand and I am excited, overjoyed and full of hope. But I am also fearful-- I am leaving behind some of the most amazing wonderful supportive people I have ever met. You people have loved me so thoroughly that leaving hurts. I have moved so so many times. I've changed houses, counties, and states and usually I left a path of destruction behind-- there was no one left that loved me.
This time things are very different. I am leaving behind a network and family of people from Georgia to Pennsylvania both in recovery and from school and church. My network is vast and beautiful and I am blessed beyond measure. I know that if I chose to stay I would be suffocating the growth that you have begun. My journey is just beginning... but that doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. Change, for me, is so often uncomfortable. But it is good. This uncomfortability that allows me to grow even more... so I'll marinate in the awkwardness of it and absorb the richness of it all. As scared as I might be for this huge life change, I am at peace in the knowledge that I am not alone. I never have been.
My God is so big and so wonderful. My faith in that God is that I have fully found my purpose. Beyond my purpose I have found that I am capable of loving people on a grand scale-- this is only possible because of how much love I've received from my vast network and family. The woman I once was over four years ago is no longer the woman I am today. Who I am today is a woman that fully plans on changing the world one hug, one conversation and one prayer at a time. I believe I am capable of this only because I have learned to dream the dreams that my higher power has created for me. My greatest dreams got me high but my God's greatest dreams for me has be flying off to thailand in 23 days. I am humbled by that vision.
I often wonder... why me? This plan wasn't my own. I was called-- of this, there is no doubt. So why? I don't know the answer to that question but I do know that because of this call I am full of purpose and the knowledge that my God has been next to me from the very beginning. Even in the depths of despair I was cared for and loved whether I accepted that fact or not. Despite the call I am still human. So very very human. It is this humanity that causes me to fear and I accept that. I fear it-- but I walk through it. Trudge through it at times but still.... i move forward without hesitation. I have one life to live and after nearly screwing it up once I'm taking this chance and riding it until there's nothing left to ride.
I will live well, I will walk through the fear, and I will remain calm in the knowledge that my God has great plans for this tattooed ex junkie that are beyond what I ever thought possible. This is my freedom. This is my hope.
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