Lets get a few things strait. I believe a lot of things. But
I believe less than I did a year ago. Even less than I did two years ago.
Perhaps this is growth—the realization that I know less of belief than I did
when I could read greek and Hebrew (relatively) fluently is... well, it's
ironic. Annoying even. Death has a funny way of changing people and my ideas of
faith and truth and have been molded by the pain of loss. It has also been
molded by the joy of growth into a new relationship. Regardless, it has
changed.
Though I’m not exactly sure how I believe or what I believe
or how God moves I do know a few things that I cannot stomach. There a few
quaint lines that I’ve heard throughout the last few months and years that make
me cringe. Philosophically they do not mesh with what little understanding of
the creator and how She operates in my life.
For example:
“There is a void to fill” or “I just
want to fill the void” – I don’t believe the ultimate creator would make me
unwhole. I believe I am made in Her image and Her image is perfection. I
believe the void is a falsity that my mind has created in order that I might
fill it. But because it is mirage it doesn’t matter how much I use to try and
fill it—sex, drugs, food or money-- it will never ever be full because it isn’t
there to begin with. I have nothing to fill. I do not have to fill it with
anything, including God because it isn’t there. If I attempt to fill the void
with God it won’t work either. Crazy thought yes? There is no void (alternatively... there is no spoon).
So why, in all the world would my
mind create a void? Why, if created in the image of perfection would my mind
cave in on itself and try to self destruct with a void and that can never be
filled? Because I am imperfect and flawed and broken and my mind tries to
rationalize this separation from my creator with emptiness. But I am not separated
and I am not empty. My distance from God is only as far as I perceive it. The
moment I fully grasp the lie that is the void is the moment I am fully in
presence of God. The presence is quite good. Like a sweet man fresh out of the shower
good. Yea… that good.
Another one is:
“Everything happens for a reason” – Instead I believe that
there are reason why things happen. I do not.. or perhaps will not believe in a God who purposefully has a plan instilled in pain, petulance and pride. For
example, I do not believe cancer is in the divine plan. I do not believe murder
happens for a “reason” or to “teach us” or to do anything else. He is not so infantile. I believe that
perhaps those are consequences of action. But it is not why the action
happened. I cannot believe in a God that would purposefully plan addiction, depravity and
death as some sort of twisted love. Does He allow it? Sure. Did he want that or
even plan it? Not for me. For you maybe? Perhaps. But no, no not for me.
“It’ll be ok” – quintessential comfort giving words. “Don’t
worry honey, it’ll be ok.” Well, actually, no it won’t ever be ok. It really
won’t and that’s alright. Can we, as a people, just accept that sometimes
things won’t ever be ok? Must we convince ourselves that one day we’ll look
back and it will be ok that we were molested or fucked up at one point? Quite
frankly I’m a realist. I’m ok with the fact that some things will just never be
ok. This reality is actually comforting. Its ok to not be ok. It doesn’t mean
that it will hurt forever… the pain of the world always passes but just because
it doesn’t hurt doesn’t mean it was ever ok. Just because the pain of it passes doesn't mean it will ever be ok.
“He’s in a better place now.” – I mean, how the hell do you
know? I believe that heaven and hell are very real places. I have experienced
them on earth so I have no reason to doubt that they exist after earth as well.
I believe the presences of ourselves in these places after death is not for me
to understand. God is wise and good and true and She alone knows the process of
how and where we go. I neither believe it’s as simple as the works we do nor
the “wham bam thank you ma’am” process of southern salvation but on the flip
side of the token I won’t think myself smart enough to know where the threshold
of that line is.
There is a very real possibility that
whoever it is has not reached a better place. I won’t use the trivialities of
culture to make you feel better. A realist as ever I just don’t think we all
reach the threshold of heaven. I’ve become accepting of this and I think it’s a
good thing. Keeps me honest.
There are other things I've heard that I don't agree with that would take too much time. I don't believe, for example, that death is natural. I do not believe it to be necessary but merely a result of our own choices. It would be a blog in and of itself. Along with the idea that there's just one man or woman for each of us or that we have "soul partners" that were destined instead of chosen. I don't like the idea of a practical God or one that is defines by gender roles (I'm sure you've noticed the mixture of He and She). I don't like the idea that any one religion, denomination or ever myself have the ball in our hands on truth. This is complicated because many of my friends think they KNOW truth. I have to work through my own judgements on this... I suppose it would be lovely to know that I have the truth and it will never change again and everything is explained. For today though that alludes me.
